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Language Violence Cussing Anger
the END...a week ago
My relationship has ended and I ended it. I am doing my best to be civilized. I have the total support of friends and family. I am shocked by the violent reaction of people who love me who want to retaliate on my behalf because much to their dismay I am so disappointed/disgusted/distraught and sad that I nary sob - rather the tears simply roll hot and fat and I got on with my day. That was about a week ago. The circumstances which caused the break up are irrevocable. The damage is like a chink in precious stained glass. I was told none of the blame falls on me - well DUH mothuhfucka like I din't know that. So that's it - 2 years flashburned into the air and ashes flying through the air stinging my eyes. 2 quick years - I feel as if I fell into a cosmic pothole and lost time. I thought I was on track - but really I was corrugated like the lines on the side of the highway to wake you up when you swerve.
the FOLD...
I really tried to keep a straight face throughout this. My friends have rallied by my side both quietly and with hostility. The most surprising reaction I've received is straightforward on the table offers to remove bodies, take bodies and place them in sacks to be beaten and buried in the desert, other offers just for a touch of violence and a bit of blood - and oh could i make them fried rice after they finished their chore. But that's not my style. It's like this --- you sleep in a toilet, you are gonna wake up with shit on your head you son of a bitch. Surrounded by fecal matter and emotional refuse your soul will rot. No one needs to hurt anyone. Eventually when someone is left with their conscience there is no hell colder or deeper. But I have to admit there are moments that such outbursts of love and hugs - kisses and gifts - teary eyed girls handing me an espresso because of their deep empathy, emails, phone calls, text messages, notes and cards and people stopping by the shop to give me a quick hug and i love you...all these things - it kind of amplified my sadness.
on ADULT MENTALITY...
I am a great believer of leaving a place better than when you came. Albeit I am not amused by any of this shit. I am trying to be urbane and educated. I can always go tribal later...But for now, I am ensuring that when conversations do happen it is for complete closure and understanding and the clarification of misunderstandings. It's not comfortable but it is strengthening. Well at least for me. They've happened a few times. And I think that's enough. I said what I needed to say.
I've never been able to remain friends with my exes because they were either dolts or egomaniacal. Who knows - maybe this one has more inner mettle - maybe not. Either way, I've done what I needed to do.
Unfortunately now my tolerance is zero.
on POST BREAK UP LOOKS...
Breakin up is hard to do...but I'm glad it din't wreak havoc on my face.
It's been 5 days of no eating, broken sleep and tearful waking hours.
Yes these pics were taken today - new haircut, my hell yeah shirt and a smile believe it or not. I am on convertible therapy - drive everywhere you can with your hair down and a barrette on your bangs and drive FAST...zippy crazy fast with e-40's hall of game on volume 50.
my TREAT...
so i got myself this fabulous cocoa powder body glimmer shimmer by Urban Decay - and it tastes like Cocoa Powder - fuckin' dope huh. Although I dunno who'd wanna lick on me???
I also got some Eyeko Products
makeup bag...
face cream......okay keyla got me that
lipgloss crap...
These products are so sickeningly cute and I know I'm a sucker - but egad...they are so yummy looking I just had to get them...
So I'm back...back again...
The blessing in this is I can work all I want without any residual guilt. The blessing in this is that in the depths of sadness people dove in wholeheartedly and never let me sink. The blessing in this is I am strong, too strong someone told me - so cry hard and keep living. I may be hurt but I will never be stopped from succeeding.
When people love you this much how could you dare fail?
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