12 Oct 2007: Hand Me the Toilet Paper

…Little Shits…

Little shits. Little shits are hella funny. They used to be a source of irritation – now I just laugh at their superb stupidity. I think it's hilarious that people like this exist with such conviction in their "ignance" The Ig'nant gene is alive and well.

One Poop

Spoiled Poops. Everyone knows I'm a pastry chef. I'm the pastry chef for 4 dessert lounges.The kids in the front scoop gelato and plate desserts. Of course I encounter them coz they saunter in the back and do whatever they need to maintain the front of the house. Recently…a few girls have been hired who think they can just stand around while of their co workers can hustle and grind while they sit there and text message their friends. I dunno why these future baby motels even bother to get a job. It's pretty obvious that their parents made them "get a job" in some latent attempt to show them responsibility. News Flash you dumbheads – if you don't have them trained by the time they are 7 they aren't gonna act right at 17. One girl in particular used to make me laugh…she said such nonsensical mouth spewing bullshit to me I stopped responding even when she spoke directly to me. This knucklehead actually said that Paris Hilton is her idol. Bwaaa hahahahha. I told her to get away from me with such stupid shit and that was the last time I said one word to her. The funny thing is…this girl looked like a cross between Jack Nicholson and the Geico lizard. She always wore a grip of makeup even when it was way above 100 degrees and I couldn't really sock her face coz I would need some oil based makeup remover to clean my knuckles. I love spoiled poops. These are the kind of people who will squander everything their parents made and then live in confused squalor. Hilarious.

Two Poop

People who blather on a subject that they are completely wrong about as if they were an expert. Then when you call them on it – all they say is "OH." Bwaa hahahhaa.

Three Poop

People who try to compete when really there is no competition. Sometimes you just can't measure up baby. Stop embarrassing yourself. Because when others are doing it big you're really just doing it Tiny. Understand proportion. Realize that your quick little singles aren't as big as my long nickels. It's okay though, in your world it's okay to try. The rest of the world does more than try – they make it.

Four Poop

People who ask you if you are Filipino. THEN these Ignoramuses tell you, "Oh I only know 1 bad word in Tagalog…" I look at them straight faced and say, "So how would you feel if someone came here from another country and said, "Eat Shit," as their only English words? Of course this stops them in their tracks. I like to watch the shame wash over their moronic faces – it's fabulous.

Four Poop, part 2

People who don't even try. Julian has a Filipina customer. He was over there chillin' with her and the Lola (the Filipino word for grandmother) workin' out a machine and he mentioned to the lady that he just went to ..Manila and had a wonderful time. Well when Lola heard this she got right up and made him some pancit and lumpia. Bwaa hahahaha. So they started drilling him about his vacation and did he learn any Tagalog while he was there and did he like it. So he ran down the vocab he did know and told them about all the fabulous stuff we did. Well…they were impressed that not only did he learn so much in a short time, but that he was genuinely learning about my cultural background after being with me for only 10 months J THEN…the lady busted out her husband and said, "I've been with my husband for 5 years and all he's learned is ONE bad word." Bwaa hahahahahahhahha. Then Lola started clowning him over dinner. Of course Julian is decent and ran a distraction – but inside he was thinking, "You dumb MOFO You!" How could you be with someone for 5 years and learn ONE bad word. Ig'NANT!

Five Poop

Thieving Poops. These are people who have no creative integrity. Perfect example is my former assistant. It was her boyfriends birthday about a month ago. She made this big ado about picking the flavors of the cake and built it. Then…on the day she got fired she actually asked me to decorate it. It's really no big deal but then it became a big deal when she blatantly lied to everyone and told her boyfriend and friends that SHE made it and designed the decoration of it. She went so far as to TELL me she did this with a smile and a giggle. What the…She actually showed people pictures of a cake she didn't make that her boyfriend loved and claimed to make it. At least tell the truth. Say that you built it and the pastry chef finished it. A complete lack of creative integrity. Dayuuuuum. If you love your boyfriend and your confident that he loves you then you should have the courage enough to tell him what's really crackin. I just can't tolerate that shit. It is just amazing how bold she could look him in the face and tell him he made it and then look ME in the face and tell me she took credit. Damn. That is some of the sorriest ish I've ever seen. What's wrong beeyotch - you afraid he's gonna figure out your untalented?

Six Poop

Love Poops. People who flippantly tell me they love me and they don't love me it's some kind of verbal shield they use. I swat these people away like flies Bleeeeeech.

Seven Poop.

Nuthin' Poops. People who don't love anything not even themselves. They don't take pride in anything they do. Not in the way they live, not in the manner they work, not in how they act, not in how they perform. These are people who think they should get paid for doing a substandard job and have the audacity to ask for a raise. Seriously, how could you not have any passion or interest towards anything and love it enough to work DAILY towards self improvement and a dream. These people lack pride and love and barely have a soul. These are people who flippantly show up to work 2-3 hours late and tell you, "I was just tired." No call, no apologetic nature and an almost bold I-dare-you-to-fire-my-ass look. Well you got your wish beeyotch.

Eight Poop.

Ingrata Poops. People who are so ungrateful that they don't remember that someone helped them and then stopped helping them because they didn't even help themselves. I don't need to go any further than that but I will say this: Speak no further about my brothers by blood or turntable. Just shut your crying rotten toothed mouth because they helped you and don't have to help you anymore. Next time I see your face it's smooshed. They didn't have to help you then and you should just roll over and die coz you ain't about the game. Wanna be a boss – take a loss. Stand on your own hand and put your uterus away kid. Ungrateful sack of steaming turd. Just shuttit. No one cares about your cryin'. A little dragon told me that someone said they are sick of people thinkin' they are better than others. We ain't. We're just better than your ass – THAT ain't hard.

Nine Poop.

Denial Poop. People who think they aren't successful because they are having bad luck or people are salting their game. Sorry kid – that ain't the deal. I'mma say it coz no one else is – no one likes you coz you suck and coz you lack loyalty.

Ten Poop.

The Poop. This is good poop – these are my folks that are "the shit…"

Eleven Poop.

Take care of Me Poops. This is so hilarious. I've seen like 7 instances of girls who "wanna be taken care of" Taken care of for no reason except they have a pulse. Yeah right. Don't give me that. They also expect to be taken care of without taking care of anyones stuff but their own. Now THAT is funny coz nowhere close is that an even exchange. That's like thinkin' you can give someone a dime and they will give you a steak. I love to see their Ig'NANT indignance that they actually get left behind. It's a cold world girls – and if you bring nothing to the table you get nothing. You can't be a repeat mooch for long. Your game gets played mighty quick. It's fun to watch your destruction and your face fall to disarray and sadness regardless of that piled makeup.

---There are a further array of poops – feel free to add your own.