03/07/2006: Saucerina Storm Benefit

i am now takin donations

for my irregular choice boots

for my birthday

03/02/2006: 72 - 48 - 36 hours

This past weekend 3 sets of cousins came to visit. Each of them came for a 72 - 48 - 36 hours. That's a pretty loose estimate of their timelines, maybe a little shorter, maybe a little longer. But in my opinion the visits were all too short. I haven't seen some of my cousins for a year or more - but you know the dopest thing? There is never any awkwardness, or discomfort or weirdness - it's always all good and all love.

Ahhh Aycee baby is all grown up. But somehow she still maintains this childlike quality about herself. She's right on track to pursue her bliss and that's all good shit. Funny thing is when I first met Aycee she was Kaylas age right now - 5 months. hahaha. So Aycee and I were baffled as to why the only shoes we seem to find in the desert and HI are mostly gold and silver - LMFAOOOO. She was on a mission to find something other than flip flops and platform flip flops. haha. I don't know how we did it - but we managed to go to like 6 stores in that short time and still meet everyone for Luncheon. haha. I stayed home to bake and they went to the clubsies on Mill. hahahha. I'm happy we got this chance to catch up as "adults." I can't wait until the next visit...

I finally met Kayla Jade who is all of 5 months. She is just straight MODEL baby - i'm not playin' i'm not exaggerating and i'm not being partial coz she's my niece. Believe me if yo' baby look funky i'll tell you, and if she's gorgeous - i'll tell you that too. Anyway, she's all easy smiles and laughing and beginning to make coos and noises coz she wants to join in the conversations. Christine and Kayla and Keyla came by the shop for a gelato, and heads popped out the kitchen to peek at my cousin and 'the BABY' All that day all those girls talked about havin' another one after seeing such a gorgeous baby. hahaha. Next time I see her will be July, i'm excited.

My cousin Christine looks sexy and thin as usual...I can't even imagine that she popped a baby out of that body. I was totally baffled and impressed to see her manage all the mommy things, and she did it in total CALM. The day she left, she had the baby in the baby pack, a backpack on her back, and a carseat on her arm. Plus she had to maneuver a suitcase at the airport. Jeez - she makes it look so easy - I think i'll have triplets - NOT!

then there's these guys:..my godbebe's...

A year ago they were toddling around. Aycee and I snuck in a quick trip for some shopping while the Sterrett posse were en route...We also stopped at Target, and I said I dunno if they like robots or trucks or what, and Aycee said trucks FOR sure. Well, I got some 4 packs of fatty tonkas and we walk in the door and they are bickering a bit and crying for lolas WHEELCHAIR of all things. haha. So I pull the 2 packs of trucks out the bag and say how bout some trucks guys? The second I said trucks - they looked up and said trucks!! Yay!! hahaha.

I am so enamored by them. They are like a self sustaining unit - and mutually entertaining. Manners? Impeccable!!! Fun Factor? Bottomless! Creativity? non Stop Disco! I just love them they are so independent and full of energy. I congratulated my cousin Pheebz and my cousin in law Robz...on doing such a bang up job on the boys, I told them you have done an amazing job, they follow rules and structure yet they have retained their spirits and soul...They kind of laughed the tired laugh of people with a full life and I reiterated - I'm not bullshitting y'all, if they were badasses i'd say so hahaha. They came by the gelateria for dessert (ice cream they said bwaa hahahhaa )...The whole staff was just like awwww oooooooh aaaaaah...Phoeebz told me the boys said, we want to go to auntie elaine's work - hahaha. If it was my way, they would just have a permanent afterschool pass.

So everyone at the shop at least saw my cousins and niece and nephews, and the daily comment is,"well chefgirl, your cousins all have beautiful kids when are you gonna make yours..." I just laugh and laugh

As long as I have cousins and nieces and god kids and nephews - there will always be cookies to be baked and lovin' from the oven.

The house is strangely quiet - without the patter of feet and cooin' of princess babies. The house seems too big without cousins talkin' and laughter. I always did love havin' everyone around. Soon enough. Someone better get married in this piece and it ain't gonna be me. We need an excuse for a reunion. But I'll always believe people you loved in your 'childhoods' will always hold a special place in your heart...

02 Mar 2006: Excerpt Me, Somethin's In Your Teeth

Here are excerpts taken from my handwritten journal...

I know my blogging has been sparse at best

So here are some nibbles:

...in the wee hours

I woke up this morning in an exceptional mood...I was all stretched out. I had a sensory memory of the hard body of a man pushing up behind me. I love that feeling...the silent sexy comfort when everything is quiet yanno? When lust and seduction are involved you are never as compliant as when you first wake - up. I love those little powdery kisses with half whispered sugar. i like how the kisses follow the desires of the body.

The sleep scented lips give way to the hungry open mouthed kisses of the comfortable. I think this is the only instance where you feel unchoreographed desire...you want it, you want it slow and easy then maybe hot and freaky. But it's not like the premeditated sex of the night where it is more about comfort and relief. In half sleep it's about base passions. Ahhh I do revel in the old pleasures and the new pleasures, but how nice that I do not deny my body. I love mens lips --- that firm strength that often punishes.

---

...this one was written in a margin...

I love those little scenarios: day off dates, being taken care of, takin' care of someone, little easy moments, watching the sky turn from day to glitter, random kitchen kisses, impromptu lovemaking, quickie fucking, holidays together and time apart that causes unavoidable lust, the first early morning vision of a lover sleeping and he opens his eyes and says ever so sleepily sexily " HI"...all the little things. i do NOT miss the invisible contempt that familiarity brings and for me it does indeed breed seething contempt. As much as I enjoy the comfort of those daily interactions it also breeds hate of that CORE ABSURDITY. Perhaps I have not met one who is divinely selected for me. Maybe there is a person in the world who can get my complications and even celebrate them. But I can't imagine him.

He is only a phantom from another life.

...undamaged...

The question on my mind today is: Is it possible for anyone who has loved and lost on a tragic scale --- well, is it possible to preserve a part of themselves as 'undamaged?' Or should anyone's heart remain in that pristine of a state. Can the heart be like an old housekey given to you so long ago, thoroughly used for entry and re-entry --- teeth rubbed smooth, grooves all gone and then magically it STILL unlocks. Is it the possible truth that there is comfort in the marred heart? Can you only love thoroughly if you've walked over the singing hissing crackling emotional lava? I can't even answer this, I ache for explanation. There is no soulful belonging in this lifetime: only the passage of enough time to synchronize physical habits - like amputees with ghost limbs, hearts reach out with old feeling.

---

uncle

---

Many decades ago M--- Uncle had gone to Auntie's (his then girlfriend) house. The christmas tree fell over. He told us in his heart and soul - a voice spoke, it said," As long as you are with me your tree will never fall...it will be big and strong and upright. I will love you all of our lives. You will need nothing, your boday and soul will not hunger, you will be safe and you are my BEST friend..."

I asked, " did you tell her all of this uncle?"

He told me he didn't tell her then. But at the moment the tree fell he knew suddenly that she was the one..They waited 5 years to be married. and 32 years later they are married still. They look at each other like thrilled teenager and still smile that private grin. They have the calm of those who genuinely love. Neither of them settled BUT they did walk thru some fire to finally be.

And so uncle is the sage that spoke to my soul without even being asked. In a quick story over dinner, he dropped some nitrous oxide on my worries.

---

ghosts

---

he said,"why did you wait so long to find me...this time?"

i replied, "my life is not my own..."

later...

he said,"you love me..."

i countered,"no _____ I don't..."

he simply stated,"you did last lifetime..."

15 Feb 2006: Apres Valentines

Just got home...It's the usual stuff. I worked and Boything worked so we kicked back and exchanged the little stuff we like to exchange. I want to preface any photos with this comment: I'm not really a big fan of big gift giving anymore. I like things that are made. I like makers of things - and things that last. Of course, Boything buys me random things when I ooh and aah, but it's not expected. Well, I'm hooked on these little canvas's that he makes for me...Going forward, I would actually like it if everyone made me a little one here and there [(Che

ez made me TWO already...) and eventually I will have a wall of them...Hear that Jasker aka Timoteo aka my Favourite Turdburgler...] Yuh, so anyway --- after all my chef duties today, and getting hammered with some steady selling of cakes as if they were crack, I cruised over to the homie hideout just to relax. Well, lo and behold - I spotted my Valentines Canvas.

How cool is this:

Here's a peek at others I've received...I got a tender spot for these robots...**doin' the robot**, but I lub them all...

...on work...

Work was both hectic and hilarious. The girls were on a weird one. I brought some pancit leftover from last night, since it was Uncle Cris's birthday mom made the yummy kind of soba for birthday noodles, then said OMG I never see you eat TWO bowls of carbs. I said if it's Filipino food it's outside the carb category mother. The girls split the pancit in 3 parts so they each got a bit and as usual they ooh and ahh how yummy the noodles are and when would I bring it again. Julia has this bottomless energy and though enigmatic she is not aloof to others. She genuinely likes people despite her stubborn individuality. We were randomly doing kung fu kicks and poses interposed with doing the robot. There was no dealing with us today - we were out of hand. The general manager was on a good one even though she's suffering from unrelenting insomnia. And I got to see my 'brother' Rocky...he seems different somehow after Italy, a little more manly as if some stuff went down that changed him. And yet, he's still the same Rocky we all love. Everyone adores him, we can't help it - he has such an easy charm, we all gravitate and orbit around him. Somehow, it doesn't go to his head - he just smiles and laughs and gives us shit. One of the shop owners called me to invite me to Korean Food!!! Yay, we set a date for Thursday night - woo hoo Korean food! Hmmm maybe it's raise time - we'll see...

...if you chef, love people who dig eating...

Last weekend, I was sitting at the Homie Hideout and I said what's it gonna be for Sunday dinner boys? Fish Tacos, San Diego style? Meat Loaf? Steak Nachos or what...Weirdly enough - Tim and n.... both said spaghetti. Sunday came and I picked up everything and made a huge batch of meat sauce - like with 3 lbs of meat in it. Hella Funny that I would make it that big, but usually Hyder and Phat E will drop by and other random folks. Funny enough, I think a dozen people ended stopping by the homie hideout even if all of them didn't eat. Sadly, I did not see Gya and Brez. Happily enough I saw Wendy. Oh it does my heart proud when I see Wendy eating. Mind you, Wendy can sit there in hipster sweats with a flat belly and a tank top and go head to head with the boys. She's a damn champ. I don't know anyone who can rival Wendy. Then we talked about truffles and Cheez said hey Saucy, I think there's one in the freezer still...and sure enough there was one cognac almond truffle that I'd made n.... that he'd forgotten about. Oh Lucky lucky girl...

My cousin AyCee finally got her cookies. I don't think the post office should say it's 2-3 day priority if it takes FIVE days to get to Hawaii...but I'm so so so relieved that the cookies got there. And I'm so tickled at the excitement that my family and friends have towards cookies...It could have been 10 years ago or 10 hours ago, but the excitement is still the same...

Only about 10 more days or so...and then I'm makin' cookies for everybody - it's gonna be a cousin invasion up in here, big fun, big meals and good times. It will do lola good to see us all together...And of course, I can't wait to see these 'fellas'...normally I am skeptical of boys bearing flowers...but what can i say:

Besides...

They seem to like my cookies

...on weird questions...

There's this salon near our shop. I call it fatal attraction. One of the guys who works there is a Filipino speakin' white guy. He likes to speak Filipino to me coz he can practice. Mind you, he's happily married, he's not hitting on me and he's practicing that Tagalog coz he can't with his wife as she is white, they have a baby on the way and he's prolly gettin' that baby shower cake from me...Anyway, strangely enough we were chatting today and he asked me what was i doin for valentines, what did i get my boyfriend, was my boyfriend white, what did he look like (was he tall, short, fat, thin etc.), how long have i been with him, how come i wasn't married yet, why not, what was i waiting for etcetera. I answered all of his questions as I've answered all these questions before...After I answered, he said..."Dapat magasawa ka na. Kasi kung hindi ka magka-anak sayang maganda ka pa naman..." Loose translation, "You should get married already. Coz if you don't have kids it would be a waste because you're beautiful..." My retort was,"...you are very possibly the most Filipino white guy i KNOW..." haha...He said,"Oo, sige na bye bye, don't forget my pancit next time..."

Bwaa hahahha...

---

This is going to be a long week for me. I worked from Thursday to Tuesday. I have today off. Then I'll work Thursday to Monday. I'm not complaining, it's a blessing to be this busy. The days are filled with Sugar and the nights with falling stars. Only in this dark desert sky, can you still see falling stars.

09 Feb 2006: when...

when...

...When I fall off the see saw

would you run and help me up

would you brush the sand out

of my socks and mary janes feet...

...When I stumble

over grassy paths and high school math

would you pull your desk closer

and say i'll help you through...

...When I choke down 28 units of learning

would you force me to watch bad movies

and fall asleep against your chest out of

sheer exhaustion. Then when my breath

slowed to even pattern, would you whisper

I love you but I can never say...

...When I get lost around the world

walking in the dark through unknown places

refusing maps, helpful suggestions and

partaking of meals from many other mothers.

Would you be there at the airport, your grin

still shy from many months or years apart...

...When I cripple my soul and cage myself

with corporate work and bills and mortgages

with the demands of impending adulthood

would you remind me of LSD stars in the sky...

...When I speak in tongues

be that language foreign, filipino or fashionable

would you calmly wait for english...

..When the table is set for Family Favourites

would you have the cultural sense

not to POINT and ask...

...When I free myself

would you leave me to heal for a moment...

...When I celebrate

because I finally found a way to do what

I was mean to do by trudging another

educational and crafty path

would you raise your glass...

...When LIFE is so crazy

and bonkers and nuts, because

people like me need 28 hours in a day.

would you let me blurr past you...

...When I weave a cocoon

because I am smothered by

every day normalities

would you patiently wait...

...When I don't understand for a moment

would you be my translator...

...When my strength deteriorates

because I've lived long enough and strong enough

would you put your withered hand in mine...

...When it's time

would you...

08 Feb 2006: Whoring while being Hostage

So today we went on a mission. We went to the second hand store...Mom sends stuff to this parish in Baguio where the kids are orphaned or the wives are widowed. I guess it's like a women's shelter/orphanage. So the she ends up buying a grip of tees and kids clothes and womens clothes...and I find a blue life vest thing with corduroy that looks straight partridge family and it's reversible, this odd burberry rubber messenger bag and a yellow lacoste sweater that looks like somethin ur gramps would wear to play golf...The girl who's ringing us out is like why are you guys buying so much...we said it's for the orphanage. She's like awww - where? We say in the Philippines...she says oh nu uh - my girlfriend is Filipino. We're like right on right on. She's like I guess this is all 50 ff...haha. Cha Ching...I'm like hey it ain't a bad day...

Next stop. Nordicious...

My intention was to get these by Naughty Monkey:

I ended up getting these also by Naughty Monkey:

I know my little doggies are a bit ashy - but I been walkin around all day on a mission, give a girl a break.

and not 2 weeks ago I got these by Alfani:

I think your impending adulthood is expressed by the height of your shoes. What I mean is that the further you get from your 20's the lower your shoes get. I have been rebelling from this utterly and completely. I seriously want to enjoy this freedom to wear shoes I can teeter in since I don't have children right now and I still have a little switch to my hips. I am becoming enslaved by very feminine shoes lately...very very feminine...

Of course when I'm old someday I'll just wear adidas shell toes, but until that time - I'll do what I can today...

One stop at the filipino store and I grab a beef empanada and some cornik - which is like cornuts but tiny and yummy and garlic flavour...I perused the buko juice drinks and chose a diet coke instead. I carressed the wasabi shrimp chips and left them there. haha.

08 Feb 2006: Okay Ukoy

Ukoy...

Typically this is a merienda/snack dish. It's akin to egg foo young or can be called a shrimp patty...It's super crispy but the inside is tender, I like mine dipped in vinegar with rock salt and chili oil...there's NOTHING healthy about this, but EVERYTHING about it is good...

We were sittin' around yesterday and I said you know what I want, I want Ukoy. Lola dolly said oh Ukoy - it's so gooood. Uncle Cris said AHHH ukoy - that's good, so good. Auntie Cecille said Ay Ukoy, how do you make ukoy, it's good. Then the Auntie Oyee and Auntie Peachy came and said Ukoy, sounds good. So I made it...

Ingredients...

1 1/2 lb bean sprouts

20 pcs shrimp cleaned and deveined

1/2 block of tofu cut into rectangles (same length as shrimp)

1 bag tempura mix

1 handful buttermilk pancake mix

3 or so cups of water

1 tsp red chili flakes

1 tsp salt

1 tsp pepper

1 tsp annatto powder

1 tsp saffron.

----

Fill a wok or cast iron chicken fryer halfway with oil and when it starts to curl test heat by throwing in a piece of green onion or tofu - if it floats and spins with a hissing sound - the oil is hot enough.

----

Mix together tempura and pancake stuff with water and spices. It should be fairly fluid like pancake or crepe mix. Drop in 2 or 3 ice cubes to keep batter cold, but do not drop ice in hot oil (sorry guys, I had to say it). Set aside.

----

Use 2 saucers. Build the Ukoy on Plates: Place one handful of bean sprouts on the plate in a round flat shape. Top sprouts with 2 shrimp and a piece of tofu. Spoon about 2 tablespoons of batter over the sprouts. Tip the saucer towards the oil and gently slide into the oil. Let it sit there do not flip until the bottom slides easily or floats up. Turn shrimp side down, but only ONCE. Drain on paper towels and serve immediately.

uh. If you make hearty ones like I do, this will make about 10 pieces.

---------------------------------

Kooky Dessert and Cookies...

I made a grip of cookies coz everyone loves cookies. Choco chip. Chocolate cookie with PB choco chips. Oatmeal. Coconut Squares on Pastry Puff. Sugar Cookies. Lawd, how tiring...but totally worth it. Last night I also made profiteroles. What most people see as CREAM PUFFS. But mine were filled with diplomat cream which is a mix of pastry cream and whipped cream then I topped it with caramel and some belgian cocoa creme...Bwa hahahaha. The aunties were like Oh very good, mmmm...Auntie Cecille said if I wasn't full I would eat THREE. haha. The funny thing about dessert around here is that with all the things i can make - I think cookies are the general favourite...The most simple dessert snack of them all.

Michelle's Request. A triple layer Strawberry Cake with milk chocolate ganache filling and then a simple whip cream frosting. This to be topped with chocolate dipped strawberries. I happen to have a little extra ganache --- so I made little rosettes. This cake was something that I had originallly made for Konradio's daughters 5th birthday. Michelle had tried it there and a little over 6 months later a request for it pops up. I made a little extra since I built it at the shop --- everyone loved it and it got a thumbs up. I'm getting a lot of little orders here and there for cakes, and even a wedding cake for Bria on March 26th. I am very concerned about taste. I care about the content as much as I do the appearance...

Everyone came back from Italy. I couldn't go on this trip, as I'm the only pastry chef around. I really with I could train a pinch hitter - but not right now. Too tenuous... After dissolving some drama - and after some general discussion about how Rome has changed a heap of goodies and utensils and tools were brought out for me. Of them all my favourite is the edible pigment in powder form. 8 huge jars of the most vibrant colour I've used. I tested the red with some white chocolate. Red is very rarely a TRUE red, a deep hearty red which is in reality a blue red...But just half a teaspoon of this stuff added to about 1000 grams of chocolate is amazing. It does not alter the nature of the chocolate - and when tempered it dries with the most freak nasty shine. Hahaha. I know about 7 people who would cut off a few toes to get a few jars of this shit. I also received 4 jars of specially made airbrush chocolate, it looks just like thinned acrylic paint - and the production manager is already talkin' about getting me an airbrush - lawd. Of course there were more acetate designs, rubber molds of various flowers, ring molds in daisy and heart and teardrop and on and on, The little mandolin 'junior' cracks me up so much. I can't believe they have design transfer sheets that you can use for both vanilla biscuit as well as tempered chocolate. The transfer sheets are design on parchment. Fucking bonkers. Just absolutely bonkers. I have also ordered some silicone half sheets with the design bottoms, and the pattern makers for the bottom of the biscuit. You know what It's fucking cool to be me. I am very rarely asked how MUCH is that, I am actually asked how much do you WANT.

...Pride in your Craft

I'm getting really sick and tired of people in the pastry game whose pride far exceeds their talent. I mean when I see shit - and I mean plain old fucking shit. Dirty chocolate piping, crooked chocolatiering, haphazard platings that look more jackson pollock than edible art, CORNY ass designs, even FUCKED UP HANDWRITING in chocolate, and I mean fucked up. And they take pride in SHIT it makes me want to BEAT the SHIT of their ass. Just because you went to school you little motherfuckers does not make you a pastry chef. Don't tell me or anyone else how GOOD you are if your shit is all drippy, sloppy and frankly unedible. I would send your forrest gump stylings back to the kitchen, just because you sold some tasteless fools on that garbage, don't lie to yourself. I am so sick and tired of this blatant cockiness in the kitchen arena that is backed with neither artistic skill or proper neutrality. I've spent hours just doing chocolate filiigree on my own time. I sleep and eat what I do because my brain is wrapped around it. People always ask to speak to me at the shop so they can compliment what they see and that they are happy to meet the artist behind the beauty...and I do my best to genuinely listen to their input. But I see what I do as a CRAFT, albeit it takes some amount of natural talent, more of it is dedication and work. I will always believe that there is someone out there who can teach me more. I will always believe that there's a lot in this sugary world I have yet to explore. I will always believe that remaining humble is the key to my improvement...

I've been told many many times, you are biting off more than you can chew - but give it a shot. The koi sugar pictured above is what my "SHOT" looks like.

That's the Mi Scuzi guy from Euro Trip...

Which brings me to Lorenzo. This stupid mothuhfucka. He's the moron Italian guy from naples who they hired to work the COUNTER. Then, he walked around askin' everyone if they want to 'make sex' like the damn guy from the train on euro trip. He never really bothered me coz I always knew he was bisexual at best. I took everything he said with a bucket of salt - coz he always acted like he just had hella money and a ton of shit - yet he was constantly coming to work and eating all the complimentary food they leave for us, then eat it all, not share his and eat all of our plates when we weren't looking. In filipino it's called patay gutom, in spanish it's called muerto de hambre. I have no idea what it's called in english - perhaps food greedy sack of shit??? Anyway, last week he told the general manager that I hate her and I'm going to quit and blah blah this and that. Which was all a fabrication of his from eavesdropping on random conversations I was having about the fact that I don't like to make production lists coz they are sheisty. So I knew he was coming in that day and I told the working managers- keep that gossiping prick out of my way or i'm going to pound the shit out of him with my rolling pins. So they told him leave her alone Lorenzo - she's busy and has a lot on her mind (I was trying to get to the hospital asap). So not only did he ignore the managers he then proceeded to follow me around the kitchen and ask me why I'm mad at him and blah blah blah. I told him in a calm voice in front of other staff - I am not angry at you, I am here to do a job and my job ain't to do you - so go to the front. Then he kept on. So I called Jessie and told her make "IT" go away or you will see the back of my head. So like 15 minutes later he walks out of the shop and says I can't work like this, I said take your ass on you hoe.

I had more things on my mind - and his Euro Illegal ass isn't one of them.

----

Lola.

The filipino word for grandmother is LOLA...Our lola. She is currently recovering from some back pain and is disoriented. i KNOW for a fact that my lola has probably never had a drink, smoked any weed, or gotten high on any synthetic substances...So now that she is on pain medication --- she's so confused. To think she had over 10 children naturally and now some vicodin makes her absolutely stoned. She asks me where am i, why is this happening to me, what have i done. That can't feel good. Especially for a woman who likes to be in control. This is so sudden and shatteringly mortal. I don't like it. I want to be 10 years old so she could be healthier and younger too...

I wish you could buy biological time in increments.

So I'm not a baby anymore. Why can't I be.