29 Sept 2006: You wouldn't know...but he's actually kinna beautiful

Long before my so-called boytard...I used to have battles. Poetic battles with a certain Somebody - I call him Somebody coz this mothuhfucka is. Our battles really are ancient - coz it's always his poetic soul pushing up against mine and it always has been. There are lines that are hard and lines that are blurry - but we still spar in a literary manner. He just posted this tonight...coz our lives are mirrored again...

28 Sep 06 Thursday piece of mind maybe this is a fucked up way to look at it but when you came into this holding back that little piece not willing to give 100% of yourself you are the one who is lost baby i made my mistakes i crossed boundaries broke some ... deals but i gave you 100% of me you had all i could give and i was 100% hurt by you i think you had that little piece of yourself tucked away so long that you forgot about it now you look for it in someone else trying to find what is not even there keep searching hunny keep trying to find what you thought you lost i ain't even mad at you anymore sorry im so so sorry but i feel sorry for you my retort:

	Saucy	and so... we echo in parallel... betwixt the moments we ache and suffer and wonder it's endless isn't it...the quest that always seems to come full circle... well i say it's time to flip a bitch and leave this bullshit... ---
and this is the most touching thing he's ever written me...I got spooked and things changed: no one ever pushed back verbally when I shoved them poetically... I've always kept it in deep places... --- Bay Area Haiku (well a kinna sorta Haiku) yes, I know your name IT echoes in the corners of my mind i recall it in daydreams --- Thank you Mr. Somebody...for that optimistic conviction in your voice...you restore my faith in men and people...you have always delivered on every promise and every word...you still understand loyalty and palabra de honor. When you told me you have love for me you have done nothing but deliver even overcoming your own ego and hot pride...you stopped me from doing regrettable things and encouraged me to go further. You were a better man then and you are the better man now... You were my friend then. You are my friend now. You deserve these admissions... e.

24 Sept 2006: Forewarned is Forearmed Foolios!!!

I went on a coffee date last Friday. It was okay. He didn't say anything I haven't heard before and despite his beautiful eyes and lanky muscularity. I felt like it was just polite conversation. He's asked me to coffee, lunch, drinks and the like and I had always said NO since I was 'in a relationship.' or at least I thought I was and that part of being in a relationship was being faithful. But back to the topic at hand. We sat there - I was suckin down a quad espresso. He had some frothy frozen whip cream joint. I laughed at the right time...nodded at other times...and shrugged sometimes. But J-----'s eyes - well they positively gleamed. His smile positively beamed. He was always leaning towards me and I had to lean away. He said so can I call you - I said sure - but not right now, I have to be somewhere and I got into the Cooper and left.

I have a date next Saturday. Another cat who'd asked me out previously. I've never denied this fool is hot, every woman in a 10 mile radius would look at him with raw hunger on her face. Old women, young women, teenage girls and even the queens gave him a lusty glance. He'd walk in the shop and go on and on with his European accent about my sunkissed skin and glossy wet looking hair and the serious look I always gave the beautiful cakes. I would just shrug it off. Apparently someone told him that I'm on the market again (and when I find who did it i'll have their ass)...So he popped into the coffee shop while I was gettin an espresso and he asked what's one of your favourite foods. I said Thai? He asked and what kind of movies do you watch - I said in a monotone,"foreign or kung fu..." The barrista hands me my shit and I say bye J------. He said wait - would you like to go to Thaiger and to see Fearless...I rolled my fucking eyes at him and said it's short notice isn't it - you're not THAT fine. He replied," then you pick the day.". with one of those bastardly laughs. I said fine, next Saturday.

Bitches were hating in the coffee shop. My nonchalance was shocking to them. Yah so what - you want him - take his fuckin green eyed ass.

And last but not least is B----. I've seen him around for a year. He invited me to the shooting range, coz I mentioned that I've never shot anything but a shotgun. I said my calendar is whacky until November, find someone else to play with...

the WARNING...

I dunno if these mothuhfuckas can just smell the fresh wounds on my heart and are circling my ass trying to prescribe some voluntary consolation dick. I dunno if the sad look in my eyes combined with the hardness of my face is suddenly appealing. I dunno if it's something in the air. I do know this. If you ask me out, I'm not going be responsive. If you ask me out and I say yes, it's because I'm getting back in the saddle so I don't get spooked about riding later. If you ask me out and even get a second date, it still doesn't mean shit, coz i'm mad as hell but i'm not mad at you. Don't speak to me of my beauty or brains or my go getter shit - I'm not feeling that. I'm not playin' hard to get it's GENUINE disinterest. So to my local and not so local friends - if you have friends who want to ask about me, ask me out, fuck me, suck me, woo me or boo me --- warn his fucking ass, this is martial law and I'm the dictator.

on SUNDAYS...

Sundays are painful. Anyone who has ever had anyone knows that Sundays are the most painful thing of alll. It's the day you spend together nesting and being close to get ready for Monday. It's the day you lay in bed on and off all day laying in the milky scented hot skin of someone you love. I am enraged and saddened by the current condition of my life. I've been damn strong for 11 days. My mind is moving faster than my hands which groove on autopilot. It's a damn curse to have this resilience. But I will take what I was gifted with. Through rage and tears and hurt and exhaustion - I'll make it through, I have no choice but to succeed.

on PHYSICAL MANIFESTATIONS...

Gettin your heart broken is like takin ecstacy without the ecstacy. Back hurtin, head hurtin, stomach fucked up, thirsty than a mothuhfucka, knees weak, lips bitten, eyes dried open...

I'm vomitting randomly - I think that's disgust

My head hurts - I think that's bafflement

My eyes burn - I didn't see this coming

My backs all twisted - Coz he tried to crush me and failed

...so after 10 or 11 days I've lost 16 lbs. I met my best AZ girl Katie at Coffee Plantation for mo' coffe and mo' squares and I saw her for her birthday about a week ago...she looked at me in white capris, black tee with all my cleavage out and black platform wedges and said,"Goooodness girl, you look great but what the HELL..." I'm eating....but nothing tastes good. So when my stomach gurgles I eat enough to shut it up. I've cooked so many meals since this breakup and I haven't even tasted a bite of it...fortunately I can trust my nose to judge salt and heat. Even water tastes bitter to me...I dont think i'm gonna be the same again. At least not about food and love...But it's okay if I go down, at least i'll go down and someone can carry me to the car...

...i WANNA

I want to thank everyone for rallyin' to me, around me and for me. I wanna thank all of you for reminding me that I am always still myself. I wanna thank Mommy Mei for tellin' me a chinese phrase,"Out of 10 men 11 are bad..." When friends call or come into my work area and say how are you and they look at you with love and concern and tenderness, it kind of resucitates my heart a bit. This strong outpour and consistent concern reminds me that all the good things I've done are recognized. It's nice when you plant seeds and shit bears fruit right. If none of you have heard from me this weekend it's because I'm giving you all a break...I know it's only been 10 days but as much as you love me how many times can you hear about my heart dying...

...on RANDOM NOW THOUGHTS

It wasn't always bad. It was often very beautiful.

But things never end that way...but everything passes...

Some people don't understand disrespect and disloyalty...

I'm tired of tryin' to explain anything and everything...

So I forced a goodbye - a nice permanent goodbye.

I feel better and I feel worse. So I guess that means i feel nothing.

I'm just workin hard. I'm hopin and I'm prayin that if I work harder and faster that today will become yesterday more quickly. If I don't sit still and turn in revolutions sadness won't sit on me.

Don't ever say that you yearn for me. You are nothing but a wandering ghost to me --- soulless, aimless and tortured.

The mystery of what we could have been is solved...

I've seen we were nothing, nothing at all...

I heard that timeout cost you the game...

I smell hatred not scented love...

I taste that bitter bullshit you laid out...

I touched upon those tears,

but you weren't cryin' for anyone but yourself...

---

19 Sept 2006: I know your nosey asses wanna know HUH...

LVCA Warning

This blog may contain

Language Violence Cussing Anger

the END...a week ago

My relationship has ended and I ended it. I am doing my best to be civilized. I have the total support of friends and family. I am shocked by the violent reaction of people who love me who want to retaliate on my behalf because much to their dismay I am so disappointed/disgusted/distraught and sad that I nary sob - rather the tears simply roll hot and fat and I got on with my day. That was about a week ago. The circumstances which caused the break up are irrevocable. The damage is like a chink in precious stained glass. I was told none of the blame falls on me - well DUH mothuhfucka like I din't know that. So that's it - 2 years flashburned into the air and ashes flying through the air stinging my eyes. 2 quick years - I feel as if I fell into a cosmic pothole and lost time. I thought I was on track - but really I was corrugated like the lines on the side of the highway to wake you up when you swerve.

the FOLD...

I really tried to keep a straight face throughout this. My friends have rallied by my side both quietly and with hostility. The most surprising reaction I've received is straightforward on the table offers to remove bodies, take bodies and place them in sacks to be beaten and buried in the desert, other offers just for a touch of violence and a bit of blood - and oh could i make them fried rice after they finished their chore. But that's not my style. It's like this --- you sleep in a toilet, you are gonna wake up with shit on your head you son of a bitch. Surrounded by fecal matter and emotional refuse your soul will rot. No one needs to hurt anyone. Eventually when someone is left with their conscience there is no hell colder or deeper. But I have to admit there are moments that such outbursts of love and hugs - kisses and gifts - teary eyed girls handing me an espresso because of their deep empathy, emails, phone calls, text messages, notes and cards and people stopping by the shop to give me a quick hug and i love you...all these things - it kind of amplified my sadness.

on ADULT MENTALITY...

I am a great believer of leaving a place better than when you came. Albeit I am not amused by any of this shit. I am trying to be urbane and educated. I can always go tribal later...But for now, I am ensuring that when conversations do happen it is for complete closure and understanding and the clarification of misunderstandings. It's not comfortable but it is strengthening. Well at least for me. They've happened a few times. And I think that's enough. I said what I needed to say.

I've never been able to remain friends with my exes because they were either dolts or egomaniacal. Who knows - maybe this one has more inner mettle - maybe not. Either way, I've done what I needed to do.

Unfortunately now my tolerance is zero.

on POST BREAK UP LOOKS...

Breakin up is hard to do...but I'm glad it din't wreak havoc on my face.

It's been 5 days of no eating, broken sleep and tearful waking hours.

Yes these pics were taken today - new haircut, my hell yeah shirt and a smile believe it or not. I am on convertible therapy - drive everywhere you can with your hair down and a barrette on your bangs and drive FAST...zippy crazy fast with e-40's hall of game on volume 50.

my TREAT...

so i got myself this fabulous cocoa powder body glimmer shimmer by Urban Decay - and it tastes like Cocoa Powder - fuckin' dope huh. Although I dunno who'd wanna lick on me???

I also got some Eyeko Products

makeup bag...

face cream......okay keyla got me that

lipgloss crap...

These products are so sickeningly cute and I know I'm a sucker - but egad...they are so yummy looking I just had to get them...

So I'm back...back again...

The blessing in this is I can work all I want without any residual guilt. The blessing in this is that in the depths of sadness people dove in wholeheartedly and never let me sink. The blessing in this is I am strong, too strong someone told me - so cry hard and keep living. I may be hurt but I will never be stopped from succeeding.

When people love you this much how could you dare fail?

04 Sept 2006: Fraggle-ocity Trees

...On my car...

i'm really serious about maintaining my car. well the oil changes and stuff are included and there's the whole unlimited warranty thing - but I like to keep it very clean. I also like washing it myself with the pressure spray thingie. Well yesterday I had a day off and I've been putting off washing my car for a couple weeks coz it's been a bit sporadically rainy. So I check the weather thingie and it says clear. I was like okay what the hell - I might as well polish her up so I don't wince everytime I see bugs on the windshield or streaky dust on her. So in my head I'm thinkin' I'll wash the car then pick up a quad shot espresso and some books on the way home. I even convinced my sister to wash her truck. On the way there some dude in a huge truck pulls up to my right at a red light - and he's pointing at my car and I'm looking at him through squinted eyes. Then the back window opens and 3 dudes wave at me and clap and say GREAT car. I wave and flash a peace sign and peel out.

my sister is behind me lookin' like she's gonna ram them. haha

It's hot as shit, but we're already there. Vacuum first. Dust car and condition leather. Spray macguires crap on the rims and tires to get all the break dust. Trigger vicious eye allergies - but who cares, I only wash my car every 10 days or so. Okay all done. Keyla is still workin' on her car coz it's twice the size of mine. Okay she's done - Wet Cars, Wash Cars, Wax Cars. Dry Cars. Re-apply rainX on the windows.

...And we're off...

Stop at the store for 3 more canvasses.

Pickup a couple cold sodas'.

Swerve by a new Filipino bakery. The pandesal is heaven but the mamon is HELL. And there were a LOT of non paying people hanging out. Why was everyone eating palabok but there wasn't any for sale???

Keyla turns left to rent flicks.

I turn right to go home. Change contacts, wash face and freshen up.

Keyla is back home. She suggests goin' to the outlets coz she needs new kicks specifically for running and aerobics. So 2 new pair. We're driving there and...

IT STARTS TO RAIN...oh hell no.

I'm so happy my car is cloistered in the garage. Jeez. Did I look at that weather thingie wrong or WHAT!

...On avoiding temptation...

I pass on some dope squaretoe rocket dogs.

I pass on the army green baby hoodie.

I'm lookin' for the bookstore and where the hell did it go. The sales person tells me oh "THEM" --- "THEY" went out of business. What the fuck - don't people read and shit. I loved goin' to that damn bookstore at the outlets. Since I read it's eating potato chips - it's a blessing to buy them at 5 bucks a pop damnnit. I'm so irate. I guess I'll have to go to Bookmans now. I've heard they have games too.

I pass on the cutesy camo purse.

i do NOT pass on the baby black poncho with hoodie.

i do NOT pass on the harris tweed ballerina flats with ankle ties.

Bwaa hahaha.

...On my latest obsession...

I have a crush on goldfish lately.

here's a series that's just blocked out.

Mind you they are about 3 sessions away from done. Also, I don't know if I'm going to hang them vertically atop each other - or horizontally side x side. In addition - I have a feeling one of these is gonna end up in Alfie's possession. But I rarely sell things. When I do paint for money - it's when I take commissions. Anywhoooo - here they are:

Meesh - don't worry about your painting for your massive wall - I got something in mind - don't you worry.

...On that thang called work...

Work has finally gotten to a place where I can stage a workplan. I need new music though. I'm getting tired of the same old shit. Hopefully I get a mix cd in the mail soon damnnit, I need a more soulful blend to get my cake grind on to. It's funny today I was scheduled to work from 12 - 6 and I ended up stayin til 9ish. On the way home it started to storm HARD - lightning and all that shit. If I would have left on time - my car would still be in pristine shape but noooooo. An empty plastic gallon container got stuck under my right front tire and right when I was about to pull over and get it out it flipped away of it's own accord. Shit, that scraping sound was nervewracking. People are driving all kinds of stupid and I look over to the side of the highway and those willow trees look like fraggle rock hair just partying in the storm. hahahhaa.

I pull over to get gas. Good news - Premium gas is only 2.799 a gallon. How damn cool is that shit. Bad news, all the debit card functions are broken on the machines so I have to walk in to pay. On the way out it's all wind and SIDEWAYS rain and I"m like eeeeeeeeeeeeeee - runnin to the car. Then it starts raining so hard that I'm getting wet under roof thing. Good Lawd - and the temperature has suddenly dropped from 95 to 68.

WHAT

THE

HELL

Pop the trunk and thankfully I left the shurr record needlez hoodie in the trunk. Yah I'm sopping wet and it's so ridiculous it's funny. Drive home the back way the remembeer the dips in the road. Oops. So I'm doin 50 in a 40 zone instead of my usual 60 or so. A Jetta passes me and this hoe flashes a hand at me. What the hell. Take the left lane bitch it has your name all over it. Around the way. Up the hill. Down the hill. Nice little flow of water lookin' like a creek. Oops she hydroplanes. Bwaa haha retard. Open curves and a hairpin turn - oops she hydroplanes again. Hey dummy - that wavy stuff that moves is called water.

Crazy.

Plain Crazy.

The whole world is going bonkers and all I got is antibiotic bandaids.

Okay even the dogs are crazy now. Last week i made a pasta primavera with like 5 kinds of veggies and prawns in it. I was jammin' around my kitchen and didn't realize that I had dropped a carrot. So I'm slicin and dicin' and doin my thing and I hear this crunching. What the ??? I look under the table and the dogs have split a carrot and are eating it like a bone. No you say? Well check this out:

...On my chefgirls...

I got a call today from my best chef girl Katie from Hawaii on her little vacation - and she was chillin' on the beach havin' a square and a cold drink. Ah Lovely - her hardworkin' ass earned that vacation - that's for damn sure. I got a Flickr invitation from my other best chef girl Kae - and hey if she din't just come back from FRANCE. hahahha. Everyone is on the move. It's a good time of year to get away. As much as we love what we do - sometimes you gotta go vegetative.

...all i want is...

tropical - fruit - ok.