25 Oct 2006: Cloud 9 and the Pillow that fits Nothing

I've been thinkin' about this for awhile. It's time. I'm going to get rid of my bed because I've simply had it too long...since grade school actuallly. Everyone has always loved this damn high rise bed. All my girls and nieces and friends have always made it a point to jump on it and drop on it. It's just referred to as Cloud 9 coz it's so high up.

The headboard is one carved piece of wood. It's an antique walnut piece - so I'm not going to get "rid" of it as in throw it in the garbage. I'm going to make it low rise and put it in the guest room.

Also, I'll be getting rid of this glass shelving. I have 2 full sets and 3 milk crates of tempered glass and corner pieces. It's retail shelving that is like 12 by 18 inches. It can hold super heavy amounts of shit and I've put it to the test for the last 5 years. If anyone is interested - I can give you the one piece which is 16 cubes IMMEDIATELY. They also come with black painted bases that keep the glass off the ground. But Alfie has dibs y'all. Alfie, if you have a hard on for this shelving - i'll drive it out to you next month...

I really love these shelves for the convenience and organization they allow me. But like everything else - I've outgrown them.

---

It's funny. I'm getting rid of all my bedding as well. It's funny I have this pillow that I've had for years. This pillow has probably seen more cities and planes than the average person will see in their lifetime. It's the pillow that fits nothing. It's all down no feathers and rolls into a lump, which is perfect for airplanes and trains coz you can always throw it in your weekender bag. Pricey as hell but machine washable. I've taken that thing all over Asia, Europe and the Netherlands and I've taken it all over the country domestically. I threw it in the trash today, because I want a new one as well - to start all my upcoming trips on an open eyed tip. I was a little hesitant at first - my hand paused for a LONG time over the garbage at the side of the house. I felt like the kid from Peanuts throwin' away his blankie. But I did it.

This is what I've chosen to replace my "baby" bed with.

I found it at Copenhagen last week. It's my front runner.

i really like the glass panel that lights up behind it with the geometric shelving on the sides. There is another set that kind of catches my eye coz it's more rounded and strange but they don't have it on the website - I might stop by the Copenhagen store later and take a pic of it. If I decide to take the long bureau that is like a buffet table then I will also have 2 tansu shelves to give away.

---

I will be giving this shit away and I will accept no money for it.

22 Oct 2006: Four Play...All Day...Every way

I don't even know where to start...Coz it's been out every night since the 12th of October...I didn't take any of my vacation time, so that I can use that for the end of the year for my New Years Eve Bail out of town. 8 hour days at the shop - 8 hour nights out with the chickas...

Honey Drippin', Man Jugglin', Date Droppin...Social Amnesiac

Tuesday

7 hour day at the shop

Bwaa hahahha. Take me back Tuesday Koreapino style. I'm so glad that she finally got to meet the boys coz I talk about them all the time. We met Gizmo and L-boogz, enjoyed some reggae and shook it a bit. April was laughing at the tabs. She just couldn't believe how cheap it is to drink in this town. And drink we did. Hyder laughed at me and called me FAYYYYDED...E-lo is just cute and it's a consistent pleasure to be around her in or out of the night scene. Jason is funny. And how did L-Boogz and April end up talkin' about the end up...the world is way too small sometimes.

Wednesday, 9 hour day at the shop

Yummy Korean dinner and some lightweight carousing...

Thursday, 6 hour day

I took Laura Megs and Audra to the Blunt Club with me n April then ran into Jenna. Oddworld. It was so fun to see everyone. Of course we'd already started knockin back some soju and chasers early in the night. You know it was just like old times - bay days - get ready days...It reminded me of our old late night missions after a full day of corporate hustlin' for that fortune 100 company. It reminded me of callin' in sick at 5am coz we were too faded to make it in by 8am. hahahha.

Everything is an exhausted alcoholic blurr. I remember getting a round then another round...Hugs all around - Oh my girls were a little scared of the Davis-esque boogie-ing. Bwaa hahahhha. "Pabo" bitches. Whenever I'm around April it's always dancing and drinkin...and I know it's always gonna be. I recollect goin for some Ketel One Martini's and laced Redbulls and as I was walkin' by givin' Baron an air kiss some fuckin' weird ass freakoid is like oh my god GURL whassup - and I threw him a Bay eyeroll and said you wish mothuhfucka and Baron LAUUUUGHED.

April's new name is Tenacious D. She can love you or hate you tenaciously. So we post up in a booth and keep bringin on rounds then Gabriel shows up and says Hello. He's so winning, and naturally so. He noticed my girls with their eyes on the prize - oh how funny.

Then Deep Rooted came onstage. They are amazing. Some people simply belong on stage and performing. You can see when people love what they do and how MUCH dedication they pour into what they do. I actually ended up with the first and second album, and unregrettably I've played them up and down for the last few days and everyone at the shop grooves sideways when they hear that shit. I also met Sha Dula - phewwww, he's kinna sexy - and i'mma stop right there.

More dancing, more drinkin...more huggin' more lovin...it really feels good to be so easily hugged and welcomed and missed. And just when I thought I couldn' t take anymore my girls push further on. hahahhahha. My baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaatches - i love you guys. April is up to her old ways...when I'm givin phone numbers she looks at the number and looks at the guy and throws the number in the air and says, "Nope he's not good enough/cute enough/smart enough/hot enough..." and throws the number to the air and said let's go. hahahhaa.

Friday...8 hour work day at the shop.

So after a day of sweets and craziness. It's just a few shots at a local joint with April and some more talkin and then we're on a cookie mission...So I call the cookie roll call and bake everything out. Clean a little internet house over some shots and some hybrid. Hilarious.

Saturday...sleep IN...ahhhh

I think we got our asses up at about noon and all we had on our minds was Damn Corndogs. hahahhahah. Get up get showered and get on.

We stop by dj Konradios to drop off his cookies as well as the cookies for Grime and Wendy. When he's done with that Impala it's gonna be dope. We got to meet his Dad too and Jeez - Dad's got some Jokes... hahahha. Some damn good jokes. Arm jokes hahahhhaa.

Just for that I'm rockin' dad's birthday Cake. On Halloween.

...

I've been here in Arizona for a little over 2 years and I've never been to the State Fair. Actually I haven't been to the State Fair since a little after college and that was a corndog mission. You know what's funny about me and my girls? We'll go get what we want when we want regardless of cost or time.

Parking :15 rocks

Entrance: 10 rocks each

Corndogs: 5 rocks each

Softees: 4 bucks each

Shooting Stars: 5 rocks each

My shot:

April's Shot

I really don't even like those guns - you have to aim a little above 6 o'clock. I have to say I kind of like the way April sprays - she just takes everything out. hahaha. I should have metered the shots better I only missed one point. Her specialty - disfigurement. My specialty is clean organ removal.

Carousel Gondola Ride : Free (huh)

no really it was free at least for us

Just damn hilarious.

Damn Girl Stop makin' me Laugh

Fish hook game : 20 rocks

---

Don't pick bear butts...

I'll tell you this, it was easier gettin out of there than gettin' in.

Tired, sweaty, time to go home

and get ready for part deuce.

I'm so mad we found someones ATM card in the ATM and we tried to be nice and call the damn lost and stolen line and had to wait 20 minutes for a damn operator. I dunno about this good samaritan shit - but it's like this, if I was actually brain farting one day and lost mine I'd appreciate it if someone called my shit in lost since I actually have something to steal in there. So we did that shit and did our good deed.

But since we were waitin on the call from Lala and/or from Gabriel then we might as well stop for a little Hawaiian Snack...

Right as we dig in...it's on for the night...

So we take the extra truck that's in the garage and pick up the girls. We stop in at the boys house. I must say it is a JOY to be around men who are gentlemanly. It is a joy to be around trustworthy men who actually have something to say but can still roll a blunt one handed. It is a JOY to hear genuine laughter again. It is also a joy to be around people who love what they do, and work fuckin' hard to live the dream. That house is fabulous. I love that smell of unstained wood and the sound of concrete clicking under my stillettos...

All of those fellas are fabulous - Gabriel, Isaac, Vic and Bobby...each of them characters in their own right...I have a crush on those robot paintings.

First stop...Antispace --- we were a bit late...and as we drove up April and I recognized the music and said OMG that's Deep Rooted...we looked and it was Phat E - doin his thing...Princess lost her MIND when Phat E started playin' High Five - I like the way. bwaa hahahhaha.

Second Stop...house party with band...we just walk over there from the Anti Space gig coz it's only a block or so.

Bobby did you bring your damn car magazine in here? hahahha.

Stroll, stroll, roll, sit. Conversations by the bricks. Doin' the rounds reminded me of how clubbin' should be shifted and shifting...

Third stop...Bikini Lounge

Meghan, Vic and the bartender, i think her name is Leslie.

Vic was kickin my ass with his one liner shit. He was makin' me and April laugh all KINDS. He just says the whackiest shit in the most deadpan voice. It was just BIG fun. I actually liked that bar full of lively people in plenty of conversations. Okay the eurojanky dudes hitting on us - NOT okay - everything else was okay. DJ playin' Malcolm McLaren's Buffalo Gals - 2 thumbs up and my ass in the air. Asian dudes seein' me and April walk in and get that LOOK cracked me up.

Again the gentlemanly offers of would you like anything to drink - alcohol or otherwise...What a change. And don't get me wrong, it's not like the fellas were hitting on us. They weren't. It was one of those dope conversational nights that people should have. Exit...one more stop for squares and more drinks...So we stop at the Circle K.

...senorita Bess...

No more mixin' liquor and trees for you. Stop pickin' on handicapped folks and nerdboxes. Hey drunky...fix...fix...on the right side. haahhaa.

Last stop...

Hidden House

This place is cool. Chock full of regulars though and I see plenty of familiar faces. Nice cozy space and parkin' wasn't so bad. Everyone's gettin their drink on hella good. Bathroom break. They are these single bathrooms that lock. April and I wait a hefty amount of time only to discover it's Meghan in there - hahahhahha. So then April goes in and I block the pass. So this wanna be buffed short midget is like - I'm gonna kick that door down if I don't get in. I turned around and said you ain't kickin' down shit fool - my best girl is in there doin her business. Kick that door down and your eatin' stillettos tonight. He's like Oh sorry. I'm like Yah anyway. Thing is she was only in there for like uh 2 minutes and his little midget bitch ass was already cryin. Baaaaatch.

12:51 am and I'm back in the parkin' lot on the cellator havin' a conversation. Dude walks by tryin to talk to me and I'm steady yappin' on the phone givin' dude the kung fu wave...How you gonna try to talk to me when I'm already talkin?

So I go back to the area with a dancefloor and everyone is talkin and minglin' more towards the middle of the room. It's gettin' a bit hard to keep track of conversations. This guy is lookin' at me and I'm lookin' at him like Hmmmm - I'll have to check it under real light. The girls answer my question even before I ask - they're like uh NO he's not hot enough for you. I just had to roll off the bar stool from that shit. Meghans affectionate ass is so sweet...I wanna just tuck her in my back pocket....

Back to the gameroom area. It's been steady walkin' all night so I sit next to the girls and the boys flank us. Conversations are flowin...drinks are tricklin...it's all good...So then very possibly the dorkiest white guy on the planet is tryin' to talk to me. And I'm not really trippin' coz uh, that shit ain't gettin nowhere. He thinks I'm pretty, he thinks i'm fine, he touches my shoulder, he tries to buy me a drink, he's really starin. I give him this LOOK and he says, I know what you are sayin' you are sayin,"fuck off you MF. hahahaha" I just nodded. I think everyone's pretty much ready...and all the sudden Vic's Cambodian ass says - Asian girls time to go - no talkin to white boys and waves his Arm in the air. Hahahhahhaa. Me and April laughed and said let's go - just damn hilarious...I was like hell - run for the truck, we don't wanna accidentally bump into any parkin' lot pimps.

Afterparty..Uh you mean after we went to the market and Megz asked for a piece of FRUIT - haahhahhha. You know they din't have fruit at the liquor store so I got them skittles. There Baahhhtches - it's fruit flavoured. Strangely enough they were happy with it. More drinks and more conversations and plenty of hugs.

I'm so happy we went out. Great people good conversations...no more dumb shit. Things are as they should be. Unhindered...

...

you slowed me down

but never took me down

i have the fortitude of forefathers

i have the mettle of a motherland

out of darkness

i walk

i stride

i strut

e.

21 Oct 2006: How Long...

So how long does it take to delete over 300 comments written over a pretty hefty length of time??? It takes a little over 2 hours while you bake out 8 dozen cookies, do a couple shots and smoke a bit...

If only you could delete people so easily...

If only you could hit an ignore button like you avoid phonecalls...

If only you could have selective amnesia at will...

Simple people are simply mannerless.

Goodnight.

20 Oct 2006: Cookies Roll Call

Me and the girls are gonna go out for a quick drink.

However...I must say cookies will be baked tomorrow...

Here is my pre approved drop offs by Sunday.

1) JT - overnight express plus handwritten poetry

2) dj Konradio

3) Wendy and Grime

4) Zokes

5) Crash

6) Rocky

7) April's Parcel shrinkwrapped...

8) Lala's crib

9) Gabriel of Fortoul Fame

10) Hyder and Diosa

---

If you have a request put it in now. We will be back home by 3am.

---

The last week has been bonkers but fun. If you have seen me out lately and I look tipsy it's coz I am. If I look like I'm having fun it's coz I am. The old sauce no longer lives here, I decided to come back to civilization and urbanism. Domesticity doesn't really fit and even though someone may be far away - Someone will always always always be near to me.

Know that.

18 Oct 2006: Damn Lucky White Pants

I'm gonna go buy 3 more of these pants...white shirred semi capris that are flared a touch. Coz each time I wear them...it's boy magnet. haha

...girl day..

washed car (not girly but Madge needed it)

french manicure

eyebrow wax

2 hour massage

haircut - reschedule, i missed her by 20 minutes damnnit

hot chicken empanadas from the bakery, so damn good

text battle with Laura Bess - we're on for Monday

---

i go home and get ready - it's phat e's birthday bash. and Ohm is gonna be there and I miss talkin' to him, he's just great. Stop at the shop and pick up the cake I made for Phat E...and peel over to the Stray Cat...Katie is already there and she's not hungry so she just has a drink and i kill a Barcelona Burger - hella good...my appetite is back, at least when I am around Katie...which is a good sign.

Katie and I park in the smoke room and she said that dude is lookin' at you. I said who...she goes that dude. I said the one that looks like he can give good piggy back rides. She said yah....I said I miss havin THAT kind of boyfriend that gives you piggy back rides - and she was laughin...so we're talkin' shop and life and our next vacations and drinkin' more...and dude next to Katie starts yappin...she mouths He's FIIIINE....I'm like duh - talk to him foolia.... The big dude isn't even pretending he's straight checkin' me out. and actually winks and I give him a mock horror lock. then the huge ass fool sits next to me and he's like so you know you're cute right...blah blah...asks the girl next to him she's gorgeous is she not...girl leans over a bit drunk - oh hell yes...yada yada...

dude: so what are you girls talkin' about

me: we're talkin shit

katie: yup, lots of it

dude: i could tell, bout who

me: you ain't involved so that's gossip, we're involved so it's talkin' shit

dude: oh c'mon

katie: haha (slams vodka)

dude: so what do you girls do...

more kinna trite conversations...

dude: so do you have a boyfriend, lookin' at me pointedly

me: nope i got chemo, i'm boyfriend free

dude: would you like to go out sometime...

me: there are terms and conditions - tell him katie

dude: huh

katie: if you make it past coffee you get to dinner and even if you get to dinner - she's bringing her own car...that's how it is...

dude: bwaa hahaha hearty laugh. uh NO. fuck coffee we're having a drink and conversation and your best friend is already makin' sure i'm okay. besides i'm not takin' you to burger king and shit...

me: i don't eat burger king burgers - they make me fart

katie: true

dude: HARD LAUGHING...

he's stubborn as shit and won't even let me light my own cigarrette. Bossy ain't your job it's mine - but you know what, the motherfucker has a spine.

next thing i know i have a date with him next Saturday....6"6' muscular friendly great eyes handsome...piggy back material. hahahhaha. Jeez. I can't believe that shit. Katie bailed then I bailed and he said i'll walk you to your car - i'm like erm - my car is in front of the door - i'm cool. he's like no i'll walk you out. and i'm walkin' and he grabbed my hand. i didn't mind and i didn't get mad.and i wasn't excited either - except my hand felt hella small in that paw of his...

If you want to see pics. They'll prolly be on freshoutthebox.com soon.

Katie says yes...Zokes says no...

i'm just rollin' with it...

17 Oct 2006: Tired...

i'm tired...i'm pooped

Friendly Phonecalls makin' me smile - aww check

LA - check

Tea house - check

hot men - double check

Late night laughter - check

Early morning fire alarms - check?

Suckin' down cigs beneath dewy trees together - check

KTown Starbucks - check

Dude quit staring and smiling - check

Hit that Highway - check

True Religion jeans with geisha and blossoms - check hella check

Avoid radar detector in Palm Springs - check

More men to deflect - check check check

Damn one way streets - check check

Bank, lunch, snack, gas - check

Drinks - check

More drinks - check

Casino - check

No I don't want to join you dude - check

Cash in Winnings - bwaa hahaha check

bar - check

5 hours ripped by oops. check

sonic - check

home - check

sleep - check

----

I made it home kids and the week is about to begin. It was total madness all weekend, and even though I'm spreadin' myself a bit thin - I think when you've got this much Sauce, it's okay to share it. hahaha..

And to think the week has just begun...

14 Oct 2006: Bi Bim Bap and the Boogie...

So I'm asleep this morning and the phone rings and I pick it up...It's my brother and he's like hey we're at the Korean Joint - what do you want - I'm like bi bim bap Foo !!! He's like Wut. I'm like Beeh Beam Bop...He's like okay. Steve comes up to the door and drops off rent for the west house. I weigh in...oops lost another 2 lbs. Meander around the yard with the dogs and then my brother and sister get here.

I MURDERED THE FOOD. I don't know why. That spicy vegetable goodness makes me so happy. All that crunchin and munchin with bits of sweet marinated beef - HELL YEAH.

I like that me and the sibs have always been like that - even when we go out to eat or pop by a bakery we always call home to see if anyone wants anything. Everyone is always included. No one is forgotten.

---

Date tonight. Date tomorrow before I leave. I gotta give M--- credit. He's securing his pole position in this dating arena. Truth is this guy is really cool, I mean genuinely so. I like the fact that he is attentive and affectionate. I like the fact that he has a strong point without being all in your face about shit. I like that he's unapologetic about having an opinion. He really is a gentleman and albeit I won't disclose any recent conversations with him, he is TRUTHFUL --- even if it causes him discomfort. I like it. I think he likes me. I think he digs me.I think he digs that look in my eyes.I think he digs that Miyake misted on my clean skin. I think I think he's feelin' my idiosyncratic verbal boogie.

Don't even front...I know what your thinkin, when you lean in for that 3rd picture. Don't even front...I can feel your nose against the softest part of my neck. Don't even front...I know what you're thinkin' when you give my hair a gentle tug. Don't even front...I see your eyes gettin' bigger. Don't even front...I felt your lips brush against my cheek after you whispered in my ear...Don't even front...your heartpounding shows in your eyes.

..

You know there's a LOT to be said about natural chemistry. Sometimes it happens and sometimes it doesn't. In this case it has...but there's no cause for alarm. He's asked me so what do you think and I said I think we're good and we should just let things happen naturally. I can sense his impatience. We'll see...we'll see if he actually has a little urge control...Sometimes chefgirls are worth the wait.

----

and we're off. It's another Saturday.

Happy Weekend Everyone...do something nice for yourself. do something nice for someone you love. Just do SOMETHING...

13 Oct 2006: Drink Ink...by me

Drink Ink

I will stab you

Your blood is now

For my beautiful wordetry

Don't offer your words

I've PLENTY

Your blood is better for paper

e.

09 Oct 2006: She's everything she said she was...

she's everything she said she was and more...

---

Another Girl Day...

---

Got up...talked to JT..about various things - he thinks certain things need to be served to me "proper" but that's a whole separate discussion...talked to April...Grab a diet Rockstar...Go get my haircut, she's runnin late - yap with April more, finish haircut...sliced diced and lookin' real nice. Go home - take a shower, get ready and I'm off to pick up Laura Bess...

Funny thing is...Laura started off bein friends with my ex. She even offered to let him crash at her place in Seattle if he din't have a spot to rest his head but he never took her up on it. Then she became my friend, and now she IS my friend. We've been literary electronic friends - and much to my happy chagrin - she is everything i thought she would be...

Gorgeous of course, but with some deadpan wit. Totally natural in her demeanor - we hugged and hit it off from the start. So I took her to the shop in the Biltmore District - she chose a roasted almond gelato and i grabbed up a 6 pack for chef J - coz I had an appointment to see her today. So we roll out and I'm pointing stuff out...tellin' her this is that and this is the overinflated value of the real estate here, jobs are good here, men are yucky here and not so yucky here...hahaha.

I bring Chef J - 6 gelato and cookies etcetera and talk to her about some structural problems i'm having with storage. We discussed solutions and I sent Katie's love and that we would see her next week for sure...I just adore Chef J...she did so much for us - not only training us in showpieces and chocolatier-ing, but also how to bear up emotionally to chefly stresses. I miss school and asked chef if I could come in and do some sugar pieces at the beginning of the year...she's like sure...awesome. I also told her I'd bring in a hefty gift card so she could treat her class to gelato...by November when the 4th store is open...Chef's so proud of me...she never lost faith that I would make it happen. And I thanked her for all her lessons patisserrie and otherwise.

So by the time we leave the skybridge campus I'm starving and I'm like you hungry yet? She's like yah - i'm like yah me too. We'd already agreed on Korean - i go to the first place on mcdowell and scottsdale, that shit was closed - WUT!!! Ban Columbus Day. I'm like shit well Greek food then - and as we're driving to Tempe from Old Town Scottsdale it occurs to me that there is a Korean food joint on University before Broadway and there it is. I can't believe we're eating dinner at 430 haha but neither of us had eaten...We order the fried man doo, bul go gi...and i get kimchi chigae with the duk --- yummy i love the gooey rice cake...I feel so much better after getting a sweaty nose and bangs from such hot comforting food.

The whole place was empty and a bit warm - the food was pretty damn good and the conversation was going freely, coz it was like we were sitting in the comfort of a house. I love leisurely chatful eating...I love sitting and letting the conversation go circular while you eat and ponder.

OTP Pledge:

We will no longer make bad decisions.

So we take off...I show her a few more things and it's desperately time for coffee...coffee and tea and we sit outside facing the street...The weather is so perfect right now - 84 in the day 76 at night...and the breezes were cool after sundown. The last months of the year in the desert are just beautiful...tank top days and breezy cool nights.

Soo sexy and pretty are the stickers

Sooo sexy and brave is the stickerer of stickers

We saunter over to Borders...Lala picks up a mag...I pick up a mag...we agree to trade mags after we're done with said mags. I also find Crying Freeman 1 and 2 - I pick those up. I also find Hardboiled and Hardluck by Banana Yoshimoto and pick that up. I also fiind the movie Lady Vengeance by Park Chan-Wook, who did Old boy - i SNATCH that quick. I'm happy with all my little transactions and excited about all this stuff i'm gonna read and watch. I miss intellectual stimulation.

I'm bad I still haven't read this months Theme Mag

or watched the Donnie Yen flick Killzone. I'mma watch that with Z----.

We're pooped.

All girls go home - big hugs and more plans. We'll meet Saturday again before my date - and it will be all good...

---

...on free time

It's really odd to have all this free time. I kinna like it --- shifting the focus to myself and what I want and need. It's so dope to drive into the sunshine with the top down and cool winds jackin' up your hair. It's so dope to change mid plan coz you felt like doing something different. I'm finding myself to be more relaxed with a perma smirk on my face. Funny...I never would have thought it would come to this 3 weeks ago...

But when the gods bless you with resilience and vision...you're on the up.

still...just sit tight and wait...

06 Oct 2006: Flashback before knockin' out

So I'm sittin outside under one of those lit up pre full moon skies and it's so still. Smatters of lightning are playin up there from far away. I started thinkin' about this thing I wrote earlier in the year...

I found it...

06 feb 2006

when...

...When I fall off the see saw

would you run and help me up

would you brush the sand out

of my socks and mary janed feet...

...When I stumble

over grassy paths and high school math

would you pull your desk closer

and say i'll help you through...

...When I choke down 28 units of learning

would you force me to watch bad movies

and fall asleep against your chest out of

sheer exhaustion. Then when my breath

slowed to even pattern, would you whisper

I love you but I can never say...

...When I get lost around the world

walking in the dark through unknown places

refusing maps, helpful suggestions and

partaking of meals from many other mothers.

Would you be there at the airport, your grin

still shy from many months or years apart...

...When I cripple my soul and cage myself

with corporate work and bills and mortgages

with the demands of impending adulthood

would you remind me of LSD stars in the sky...

...When I speak in tongues

be that language foreign, filipino or fashionable

would you calmly wait for english...

..When the table is set for Family Favourites

would you have the cultural sense

not to POINT and ask...

...When I free myself

would you leave me to heal for a moment...

...When my polka dotted kitten shoes

step off an escalator in that far away airport

would you tilt your head and grin

because you can't believe it's true...

...When I celebrate

because I finally found a way to do what

I was meant to do by trudging another

educational and crafty path

would you raise your glass...

...When LIFE is so crazy

and bonkers and nuts, because

people like me need 28 hours in a day.

would you let me blurr past you but

hold me deep inside...

...When I weave a cocoon

because I am smothered by

every day normalities

would you patiently wait...

...When I don't understand for a moment

would you be my translator...

...When my strength deteriorates because

I've lived long enough and strong enough

would you put your withered hand in mine...

...When it's time

would you...

---

that kind of writing seems so far away from me now...

I was so strong - just so damn strong but

the past is still what it is - it has passed...

05 Oct 2006: En Garde...Bwaa hahahhaa

...Guns don't kill people, words do...

Temporary ceasefire...okay guys - no more roasting you know who. I'm calling a CONDITIONAL peace treaty as long as all of my conditions are met. I know you are all gonna talk all the shit you want. But as you are all adults and I neither encourage or discourage you - carry on.

I will say this:

If you are angry, it's at no one but yourself...

If I sit in graceful silence, it does not mean I'm weak...

You sneak up in my house like a nasty ass

cockroach, i'm squashin your dirty crawlin ass...

...En Garde...

Hey you, yeah you in the shiny new shoes - no more makin' fun of my dates names - you sound like PePe Le Pew. Okay so this morning J------ calls at 10:30 am and I'm like are you fuckin' insane I dont' wake up until noonish. He's like oh sorry you told me to call on Wednesday and it's Wednesday, so you wanna go do something later. "Okay okay, diner 10 ish..." Happy sigh - okay see you then. Jeez...

---

so the day drags..and it starts off good and I'm so full of song the last few days and laughter. I'm myself again and healed up in record time. I'm workin' at a steady clip now that I have an assistant all I focus on is beauty and taste. So I get a text from the homie Z----, and I leave him a voicemail to just call me - then it's not the homie Z----- but an echo of the past which explodes into a yell fest while i'm mid chocolate. His yelling included," go ahead and date some rich fuckin' butterhorn with spikey hair --- I don't care. Ah, but I know you do. My heart is pounding, I'm breathing hard, I'm sharpening knives. Calm down calm down calm down. Eventually the call tones itself down and it's some kind of old civility. I'm not backin' down and he's not backin down...Just poisonous.

my best friend is buggin out and now my heart is aching in a different spot for another important person in my life...

the cakes call and I wrap it up, get dressed and get out...

The children did a double take and I laughed...I said am I lookin' a little different than the chefcoat kids...OMGGGGGGGGGGGGG they squeal - where you goin? somewhere... OMGGG you have a date huh chef girl. haahaha - yes, I confess. Spoiled brats but they are mine.

Mommy stops by and checks on me and she says OH...another date? new guy same guy...I said this one made it to date 2. oh do you like him...I said I guess...she laughed and said I think your not ready honey...I have to say this about Mommy - as real as she is...she asked me when I was sad and quiet - you want to forgive him honey? I said it's not possible mommy. She said then you are strong...So off she runs - fabulous mommy on her million solo march...

---

...stop at the homie hideout:

G--- is there and I mention the turtle painting I've been wanting from him and he points at a canvas and says I'm gonna do it...I said YAY - I will make you noodles...I love the boys...and Thanksgiving is ON no matter what...coz who can resist sausage cornbread stuffing...

pick up italian painting easel, cookie jar, 6 books, 2 pair of escrima sticks...oh shit i forgot my Breez painting...I'll have to call the boys...Tucked in the top book is a 3 page letter...I told everyone hey you din't tell me I had a dear Janet letter...they're like HUH...I'm like shit I need a lighter for this - huh - no for my cigarrette...The letter was cool, it didn't have any poison ink and actually seemed both optimistic and sad...I don't wanna disclose anything else - It is what it is...

2 years reduced to 3 pages.

Glimmers of the past, dirtied by wrath.

---

So I go stop at the Circle K for water and squares - and damn if that beeyotch didn't lock the door to mop the store. Call Ness - she's there and we yap on. We're laughin. Doors open and I get out of my ride...homeless dude is panhandling -- I hand him 2 bucks and say can you please watch my easel and don't let anyone near my car - he said sure. Dude on a bike is lookin' at me and smiling - I'm like whatever. Get my shit and get out the store - dude on the bike approaches me and I'm like what - he's like do you know where I can find your boyfriend? I said excuse me...he laughs and says your BOYFRIEND. I said I don't have one of those - I got chemo. He said oh N---- ain't your boyfriend. I said nope...not anymore.

Weird. Uber Weird...

---

Approaching the highway - cell rings - it's JT...Hey chitter chatter...i'm on the 202 merging to 51, doin' 90 MPH top down and easel in the passenger seat. We're just yappin' and laughin. I gotta say...I dunno why but when he says," i was hella jealous..." in that way...it makes me giggle.

Holla. I can't wait to see the cherry blossoms with you...

---

So I pull up to the diner still on the phone...get off the phone...say hi..get seated...I'm actually starving by the time I get there coz all i had all day was 6 espressos and a handful of pistachios. I order a cobb salad and water. At best I ate a 3rd of it coz old boy sure is yappy. Perhaps he's nervous - but he shouldn't be coz he's made it to date 2. We're talkin bout his work and we're talkin' bout my work...what do you do when your not workin....He's got quite the appetite and ate a burger the size of my head. hahahhaha. Somehow - he's really athletic though. It's kinna cool coz he doesn't try to hard and he doesn't say cheezy shit and even though I know he wants to he's not OVERT about tryin to hump me.

Now it's midnight and he's like we should go......i say WE should WHAT...he said oh i'm sorry I meant to say i should go I have an early day. I said you can bail - I'm going to stay and do some writing...He gives me a kiss on the cheek and waves...did I mention he asked for a 3rd date ? The jury is out on that one Fa Sho...

uh...

then...erm

then...J------ car ain't even on the main street yet...and this guy at the next table gives me this LOOK...and he says hello how are you tonight...i politely say fine thanks and I don't know how he manages it...but next thing I know he's standin' next to my table and we're yappin about fraud and what do i do and how long have I done it...

Fuckin' Brazilian dudes with the sexy accent...

and OH I have such a beautiful glow and wonderful face and obviously I take care of myself (I'm smokin' a cigarrette weirdo)...and I told him how old I am and he was in positve shock...He's blathering about living your dream keeps you young and shit.

HUH

He CONTINUES..."your confidence and class are so attractive - sexy even..." I'm like gee thanks - lookin' at my book longingly. I thanked him in this smarmy demure manner and said If you would have seen me 2 weeks ago i was a wreck. He laughed heartily and said then it was a very gorgeous wreck. HUH WUT...I was starting to fidget and he said...I'll let you do your writing. I said thanks - nice meeting you A-----. He said bye, but can i give you my number...I'm like erm - okay?!?

Oh helllllllllllllll no. I was so baffled I sent a cellcam piic to J and V. I'm so confused. Is this what it's like...to be single. I've only been non single for 2 years - why do I feel so out of the loop. The game seems faster...

So this is my new life. Workin' a smaller load, workin' less hours, makin' more gouda...doin what I like when I like and havin' scheduled massages. I go on random dates and within minutes of the date ending have a new number in hand. Oddworld but with a new look in my world. Lookin' through convertible eyes with cool winds blowin' my hair out of control...faster pussycat...slow down when the sun sets so you can watch...wishin for a view of the aurora borealis - fragments...in the sky...

04 Oct 2006: Quotables - like snacks for your skull

from Mommy 2 (my mommy at work and in life).

Since Mom spends 8 months overseas hangin out and waitin for my coffee plants to grow and the mangoes to ripen --- I am lucky I have a secondary Mommy. She always stops by (well duh she owns the joint) and says how is my girl, how is my baby girl, how is my pretty girl...

So she comes up to me, touches my cheek and says,"My goodness look at your complexion - you are just glowing honey..."

I laugh and say,"Thanks Mommy, revenge is so refreshing..."

She laughed and ran off to handle the million things she does in a day.

---

"We always wondered why..."

'nuff said

---

"I heard the phrase intestinal parasites and thought of..."

fuckin April...ur killin' me with your daily shit

---

"...they are lining up Saucy, you just don't see it...coz you are blurred with rage. It's coming you're gonna get bombed with fools chasing you..."

bwaa hahhaa

i'm hidin' his identity

---

"Doesn't he know how hard it is to find quality females and FILIPINO ones at that - believe me I know...shit...damn...sorry..."

XXXXXXX

bwaa hahaha i hear that shit honey.

---

"he DOES make a good afghani though..."

_nu UH_

stop laughin you two - i put it up coz you said...

---

"how can so much sadness be in such a beautiful girl..."

J------.

He's already called today to ask for his second date. I said no more heavy dates coz i'm not wasting anymore eyeshadow so you have to tip some lazy ass server. Okay he says all optimistic...I wish I could shrug verbally but instead I told him I'll call you after work...I have to pick up some shit then we'll see...I told him maybe coffee or the diner if i'm hungry.

---

"Even dogs have shame, they turn their head when they take a hot mean shit"

- me.

i think that explains itself, but it tickles me to death

---

"i do judge people with crappy work ethics because to me that shows the effort they would put into a relationship or just life in general. "

...identity withheld...

Where were you foolio - when I was bein' misled...

...

So everything's swingin as it was. Upward, onward. Plans are already being made well past March. I'm lookin' forward to all the old freedoms and travelling and shit. When you don't have a load on your back you can move faster and higher. It's hella dope to walk into some joint and pick up a stack of cd's then boots then a couple jackets and not be riddled with guilt. It's hella awesome to take my sister to dinner and pick up the check coz I don't gotta set anything aside. It's even doper to work a 12 hour day and not have to rush to make anyone dinner who doesn't even appreciate it but grunts. Some things won't ever change - I can live with that. I'm not the one who needs to be remorseful and sorry and if other people can't be - that's their damage. Always movin...always facing the sun...

did i mention the motorcycle?

01 Oct 2006: I made it home by curfew

soooo...you wanna see what's up.

i guess some of you might have read the previous blog or noticed my calendar...so i went on a date tonight. I almost cancelled. I was out until about 430am and woke up about 9ish to run errands and get a massage and go shopping...By the time I got home I wasn't much in the mood to get pretty...On top of that I have to listen to my grown ass brother teasing me oh you gotta date with J------, bwaa hahahah he laughs all hearty and shit...he said go put some clean panties on Foo !!! "you gotta daaaaaaaate, you gottttta daaaaaaaaate..." Just ridiculous funny like when we were in high school. so i just went in black and white and poofy ponytail...Rockin' lipgloss like armor.

I was about 30 minutes late...he din't even trip...all he said was,"Oh there she is the girl i've been waiting for and laughed..."

Guy talks...girl nods. Girl talks...guy grins. Guy asks girl what she would like...girl says I can order for myself thanks anyhow. Appetizers. A beer or two. Main Course. more chitter - more chatter. He moves some stray hair away from my temple. He wants to sit closer and I neither stop nor encourage him. Tick tock tick tock. Hows your food? great - hows yours. He doesn't seem put off at all by my obvious aloofness. I warned him though - I'm straight off the battlefield - you don't wanna take a girl like me on a date. His shiny green eyes are so pretty. After the beer I relax a bit, after the meal i feel a bit sick. It's bill time and I don't give a fuck I reach for it. He laughs and swats my hand, you are so stubborn give me that...then it's off to some trendy cafe for a coffee and dessert. Yes to coffee - no to dessert.

Turns out we've travelled the same cities and same countries...

Turns out he's rather educated albeit boring

Turns out his humble pie ain't expired

He's feelin me he's there...

But I'm just not there...

---

The coffee joint closed at midnight and we walked to our cars. We lingered about 30 minutes more just yappin about I don't even know what - my face felt all numb and shit. He asks AGAIN...he wants a sequel. I told him maybe yes, maybe no - but definitely maybe...Call me at the end of the week and let me consider it.

See that shit right there would have made me leave if i was the guy. But he just nodded all cool and shit and was like I'll come by the shop - I'm like okay no problem...I mean shit that's where I met him - that's where he stalked me. bwaaa hahhaa...He's really an awesome guy - it's just bad timing and dating puts a yucky taste in my mouth

But FuQQiT - let's see how I feel on Friday...

---

so I said goodbye...and he gave me a kiss on the cheek and I let him...It was so touching to see his face turn boyish as he tried. So back on the Highway - I always feel like I'm movin. I took these pics while I was driving with the top down on the convertible on the way home.

I looked at them - I'm so jaded now...I don't like anything.

Hit it from the Back

Hit it from the Front

Hit it from the side...

---

...on Last Night...

there was way too much shit and activity going on and simply put - I know who cares and loves for me. You can't solicit or manipulate loyalty and affection. It was poured on me though and I was confident of whom my friends are and now I really KNOW...

I'm not going to quote anybody or put anyone on deck. As mr Somebody says --- some shit should remain between TWO people and I'll honor that shit...But thank you, thank you so so so much.

as for you motherfuckers that try to play 2 sides against the middle. I know who you are and you know what you did. Don't even try to play. As much as I loved any of you I can quickly despise you. You are already there. Don't cross my path, my hands now move of their own volition.

---

...weird...

Where did all these hot guys and hot HOT Asian guys in Dope trucks come from and why are they at stoplights waving me down mouthing, " I love you" and when I say yah right with a handjob motion they laugh and say i DO girl...I'm like spare me foolio - then I laugh and make a phone motion to my head and say call me on Sunday Baby we'll do dimsum at which point all his homies laugh at him and say she got you dude...then the light turns green on perfect time and I peel off into the night.

---

Life just keeps movin...Europe calls, I'll have to answer soon.