I went on a coffee date last Friday. It was okay. He didn't say anything I haven't heard before and despite his beautiful eyes and lanky muscularity. I felt like it was just polite conversation. He's asked me to coffee, lunch, drinks and the like and I had always said NO since I was 'in a relationship.' or at least I thought I was and that part of being in a relationship was being faithful. But back to the topic at hand. We sat there - I was suckin down a quad espresso. He had some frothy frozen whip cream joint. I laughed at the right time...nodded at other times...and shrugged sometimes. But J-----'s eyes - well they positively gleamed. His smile positively beamed. He was always leaning towards me and I had to lean away. He said so can I call you - I said sure - but not right now, I have to be somewhere and I got into the Cooper and left.
I have a date next Saturday. Another cat who'd asked me out previously. I've never denied this fool is hot, every woman in a 10 mile radius would look at him with raw hunger on her face. Old women, young women, teenage girls and even the queens gave him a lusty glance. He'd walk in the shop and go on and on with his European accent about my sunkissed skin and glossy wet looking hair and the serious look I always gave the beautiful cakes. I would just shrug it off. Apparently someone told him that I'm on the market again (and when I find who did it i'll have their ass)...So he popped into the coffee shop while I was gettin an espresso and he asked what's one of your favourite foods. I said Thai? He asked and what kind of movies do you watch - I said in a monotone,"foreign or kung fu..." The barrista hands me my shit and I say bye J------. He said wait - would you like to go to Thaiger and to see Fearless...I rolled my fucking eyes at him and said it's short notice isn't it - you're not THAT fine. He replied," then you pick the day.". with one of those bastardly laughs. I said fine, next Saturday.
Bitches were hating in the coffee shop. My nonchalance was shocking to them. Yah so what - you want him - take his fuckin green eyed ass.
And last but not least is B----. I've seen him around for a year. He invited me to the shooting range, coz I mentioned that I've never shot anything but a shotgun. I said my calendar is whacky until November, find someone else to play with...
the WARNING...
I dunno if these mothuhfuckas can just smell the fresh wounds on my heart and are circling my ass trying to prescribe some voluntary consolation dick. I dunno if the sad look in my eyes combined with the hardness of my face is suddenly appealing. I dunno if it's something in the air. I do know this. If you ask me out, I'm not going be responsive. If you ask me out and I say yes, it's because I'm getting back in the saddle so I don't get spooked about riding later. If you ask me out and even get a second date, it still doesn't mean shit, coz i'm mad as hell but i'm not mad at you. Don't speak to me of my beauty or brains or my go getter shit - I'm not feeling that. I'm not playin' hard to get it's GENUINE disinterest. So to my local and not so local friends - if you have friends who want to ask about me, ask me out, fuck me, suck me, woo me or boo me --- warn his fucking ass, this is martial law and I'm the dictator.
on SUNDAYS...
Sundays are painful. Anyone who has ever had anyone knows that Sundays are the most painful thing of alll. It's the day you spend together nesting and being close to get ready for Monday. It's the day you lay in bed on and off all day laying in the milky scented hot skin of someone you love. I am enraged and saddened by the current condition of my life. I've been damn strong for 11 days. My mind is moving faster than my hands which groove on autopilot. It's a damn curse to have this resilience. But I will take what I was gifted with. Through rage and tears and hurt and exhaustion - I'll make it through, I have no choice but to succeed.
on PHYSICAL MANIFESTATIONS...
Gettin your heart broken is like takin ecstacy without the ecstacy. Back hurtin, head hurtin, stomach fucked up, thirsty than a mothuhfucka, knees weak, lips bitten, eyes dried open...
I'm vomitting randomly - I think that's disgust
My head hurts - I think that's bafflement
My eyes burn - I didn't see this coming
My backs all twisted - Coz he tried to crush me and failed
...so after 10 or 11 days I've lost 16 lbs. I met my best AZ girl Katie at Coffee Plantation for mo' coffe and mo' squares and I saw her for her birthday about a week ago...she looked at me in white capris, black tee with all my cleavage out and black platform wedges and said,"Goooodness girl, you look great but what the HELL..." I'm eating....but nothing tastes good. So when my stomach gurgles I eat enough to shut it up. I've cooked so many meals since this breakup and I haven't even tasted a bite of it...fortunately I can trust my nose to judge salt and heat. Even water tastes bitter to me...I dont think i'm gonna be the same again. At least not about food and love...But it's okay if I go down, at least i'll go down and someone can carry me to the car...
...i WANNA
I want to thank everyone for rallyin' to me, around me and for me. I wanna thank all of you for reminding me that I am always still myself. I wanna thank Mommy Mei for tellin' me a chinese phrase,"Out of 10 men 11 are bad..." When friends call or come into my work area and say how are you and they look at you with love and concern and tenderness, it kind of resucitates my heart a bit. This strong outpour and consistent concern reminds me that all the good things I've done are recognized. It's nice when you plant seeds and shit bears fruit right. If none of you have heard from me this weekend it's because I'm giving you all a break...I know it's only been 10 days but as much as you love me how many times can you hear about my heart dying...
...on RANDOM NOW THOUGHTS
It wasn't always bad. It was often very beautiful.
But things never end that way...but everything passes...
Some people don't understand disrespect and disloyalty...
I'm tired of tryin' to explain anything and everything...
So I forced a goodbye - a nice permanent goodbye.
I feel better and I feel worse. So I guess that means i feel nothing.
I'm just workin hard. I'm hopin and I'm prayin that if I work harder and faster that today will become yesterday more quickly. If I don't sit still and turn in revolutions sadness won't sit on me.
Don't ever say that you yearn for me. You are nothing but a wandering ghost to me --- soulless, aimless and tortured.
The mystery of what we could have been is solved...
I've seen we were nothing, nothing at all...
I heard that timeout cost you the game...
I smell hatred not scented love...
I taste that bitter bullshit you laid out...
I touched upon those tears,
but you weren't cryin' for anyone but yourself...
---
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