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Thursday, September 15, 2005

15 Sept 2005: My recycled Soul

In a Past Life...

You Were: An Arrogant Warrior

Where You Lived: Spain.

How You Died: Natural causes.

that's some funny shit...I wouldn't mind kicking peoples asses repeatedly with a wretched evil laugh and then later be rewarded with a death by natural causes...

ahhh, my cakes are still selling like crazy and much to my chagrin, I came into the shop to a nearly empty case. And despite raising the prices by 25% still does not hinder the purchase of them. All I have to say is that the people who do purchase the cakes seem to have a lot of leisure income...bully for them --- i'm not a hater, coz they are keeping me busy. About 3 weeks ago I went to working days - meaning 9-5, I was working first I hated it, but now I like it, it passes quickly and quietly allowing me to work at a better pace.

What I do NOT like --- is that 5pm traffic. What the hell is WRONG with people. I watched this one woman in a brand new Mercedes Benz just picked her nose like her shit was on redial and then FLICK her snotbullets out of the sunroof...That is so disgusting. This is exactly why I constantly wash my hands and I am very leery of people touching me and shit. That is so fuckin' hilarious all up in her bougie import car and flickin green ones into the sky. that Icky BoooHoooch...

...nobody can hate you like YOU hate you...

L------ told me a story about how a customer referred to T---- as a hot guy and was asking after him and blah blah blah...So L------- told T----- that some girl referred to him as hot, well, I guess she just blatantly hit on him and he did his best to shrug her off. Well, I've never seen the girl but she came by today and I missed her by a nano second coz I was positioning cakes. Well, T---- came in and I said hey that girl who called you HOT was in here - you just missed her...and he said - GET this...who that fat ugly dumpy one. AS IF he were so fine and shiny and new. Ummm, okay he is beyond hirsute, borderline serial killer looking with that unblinking glare, and he self admittedly said he needs to lose at least 40 lbs. So WHERE does that arrogance come that he can label a girl as ugly scary etcetera...It is a displacement of self hate. That is clear.

Even if a guy is not my type I will not hammer him down like that. That is someones son, brother, friend, uncle...something. And they are entitled to a sense of living withOUT criticism by me - that's for sure. I will verbally beat a hoe (male or female) down -- if they try to put me in some cookie cutter, cross the lines of racism or sexism, or if they are just fetish freaks. But I see in his eyes that he is in pursuit of something so high, higher than himself: intellectually, physically, stylistically and financially. My worth is not tied to money and unlike him I would never say, "I only like her because of her money, she's not even my type: she is too wide..." Mind you this girl was all of a size 8. Wide is hardly the word for her. AND he is not missing any damn meals. I will not bicker or fight with him anymore. I only shake my head at someone who is so emotionally shoddy, that his desperation dribbles on like drool.

I don't hate many things anymore. However, I will say this -- the things I hate I hate with such violence and vehemence, I have to meditate into myself to prevent acting on my rage. I let time level the playing field until these people are put near me, so they can be served.

Some people have anxiety attacks, or tears, or melancholy sadness. I suffer from a complete loss of urge control and it takes every cell in my body to keep from choking the trigger of my rage. And when I'm in a rage the whole world feels it - it's like a wall of hatred flows from me and people back away even when I am silent. I used to just chuck cases of glasses and the tinkling would soothe me for like 42 seconds. That doesn't work anymore - so I just wait and wait and wait, until my breathing subsides.

To be honest I kind of like that rage. It is uber human to me. I'm tired of the generic polite cheerful responses that we are all programmed to use. I'm tired of that quasi-optimism that never works on me...I can smell when shit is only good on the surface. I mean seriously what the fuck is wrong with people. Change is hostile, Deconstruction is violent, Improvement is often painful and difficult. So why the FUCK are people expected to have this happy go lucky stepford citizen attitude. Bleh - i'm deaf to that shit.

nothing is forever...

not even family

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