Here are excerpts taken from my handwritten journal...
I know my blogging has been sparse at best
So here are some nibbles:
...in the wee hours
I woke up this morning in an exceptional mood...I was all stretched out. I had a sensory memory of the hard body of a man pushing up behind me. I love that feeling...the silent sexy comfort when everything is quiet yanno? When lust and seduction are involved you are never as compliant as when you first wake - up. I love those little powdery kisses with half whispered sugar. i like how the kisses follow the desires of the body.
The sleep scented lips give way to the hungry open mouthed kisses of the comfortable. I think this is the only instance where you feel unchoreographed desire...you want it, you want it slow and easy then maybe hot and freaky. But it's not like the premeditated sex of the night where it is more about comfort and relief. In half sleep it's about base passions. Ahhh I do revel in the old pleasures and the new pleasures, but how nice that I do not deny my body. I love mens lips --- that firm strength that often punishes.
...this one was written in a margin...
I love those little scenarios: day off dates, being taken care of, takin' care of someone, little easy moments, watching the sky turn from day to glitter, random kitchen kisses, impromptu lovemaking, quickie fucking, holidays together and time apart that causes unavoidable lust, the first early morning vision of a lover sleeping and he opens his eyes and says ever so sleepily sexily " HI"...all the little things. i do NOT miss the invisible contempt that familiarity brings and for me it does indeed breed seething contempt. As much as I enjoy the comfort of those daily interactions it also breeds hate of that CORE ABSURDITY. Perhaps I have not met one who is divinely selected for me. Maybe there is a person in the world who can get my complications and even celebrate them. But I can't imagine him.
He is only a phantom from another life.
The question on my mind today is: Is it possible for anyone who has loved and lost on a tragic scale --- well, is it possible to preserve a part of themselves as 'undamaged?' Or should anyone's heart remain in that pristine of a state. Can the heart be like an old housekey given to you so long ago, thoroughly used for entry and re-entry --- teeth rubbed smooth, grooves all gone and then magically it STILL unlocks. Is it the possible truth that there is comfort in the marred heart? Can you only love thoroughly if you've walked over the singing hissing crackling emotional lava? I can't even answer this, I ache for explanation. There is no soulful belonging in this lifetime: only the passage of enough time to synchronize physical habits - like amputees with ghost limbs, hearts reach out with old feeling.
Many decades ago M--- Uncle had gone to Auntie's (his then girlfriend) house. The christmas tree fell over. He told us in his heart and soul - a voice spoke, it said," As long as you are with me your tree will never fall...it will be big and strong and upright. I will love you all of our lives. You will need nothing, your boday and soul will not hunger, you will be safe and you are my BEST friend..."
I asked, " did you tell her all of this uncle?"
He told me he didn't tell her then. But at the moment the tree fell he knew suddenly that she was the one..They waited 5 years to be married. and 32 years later they are married still. They look at each other like thrilled teenager and still smile that private grin. They have the calm of those who genuinely love. Neither of them settled BUT they did walk thru some fire to finally be.
And so uncle is the sage that spoke to my soul without even being asked. In a quick story over dinner, he dropped some nitrous oxide on my worries.
he said,"why did you wait so long to find me...this time?"
i replied, "my life is not my own..."
he said,"you love me..."
i countered,"no _____ I don't..."
he simply stated,"you did last lifetime..."