12 Oct 2007: They want what they can't Have - Thpthhh.

You always want what you can't have, at least THEY do.

…The Bebe Factor…

Whenever Julian and I are separated for any amount of time, people jock us. Actually we get jocked even when we are together. Anyhow…I think when you are attached to someone it automatically gives you "attractive" points.

I suppose the "attractive" points are only there when you are genuinely happy. Because there is something about you that has a stride and stroll that is a little devil may care because you are bathed in love all day every day. Of course there are those exceptions in society who like to pursue those who are taken or even juggle 2 people at once. I won't even discuss that in this blog because it's general knowledge that that is distasteful and stems from insecurity and interloping.

Jockers are funny…there are so many types of jockers.

Here is a sampling of the jockers I've experienced lately.

Road Jockers.

These are the dudes who do random odd things to get your attention while you are driving down the road or highway. A couple of them followed me as I exited the freeway and then mouthed, "you're foine!" to which I just shrug and then they try to ask me for my number and I mouth, "9-1-1" Bwaaa hahahaha. Road Jockers also include dudes at stoplights and city streets who wink or grin. Errrm…kinna creepy.

Grocery Store Jockers.

These are the dudes who follow you in the grocery store and pick up things in the aisles your in. Then they sidle up and look in your basket. Of course when they look in my basket I have next to no processed food…so they clumsily ask, "what are you making…" See --- you can't ask me that kind of shit. Know why? Because you aren't even on my level kitchen wise. I won't lie – sometimes I speak Engrish (English with an accent) to stave them off – but just my luck they dig the Asian Accent. Yikes. Bleeeeech.

Coffee Shop Jockers.

Sigh. I like coffee. Any time of day…neat espresso shots or plain iced coffees. I have a set amount of these jockers in addition to new ones. I see that wishful glisten in your eye dude…but I've shot you down before and I'll shoot you down again. You have to admire the caffeine injested bravery that encourages a man to pursue a woman who repeatedly says no. Sometimes I see their courage building up to talk to me and often you can swat them away with a faint raise of an eyebrow and a toothless grin. I have 3 new ones. They look attractive in their own right --- but there's only 1 face that makes me smile. The last 3 only took 2 days to talk to me. Very impressive but naw.

Laundry Room Jockers.

Uh Hell no. And quit lookin' at my panties you freak.

Hater Jockers.

These are my favourite. Last night I was leaving the shop after a 10.5 hour day. 2 guys were standing by their car which was parked next to mine. I waved at some of the barristas next door and said good night and walked towards my car. I am not exaggerating in saying they stopped mid conversation to watch me walk. I wish I could say I was uncomfortable but I'm kinna used to being stared at when I'm around the shop coz there aren't many brown folks there. So --- these 2 guys just flat stared at me and then they watched me walk over to my car to see if I would react. When I didn't they kind of snickered as de-alarmed my ride. So I put the laptop in the trunk and turned around. They shut up. I laughed now. Dude had like a 7 year old Land Rover…He said "your car is kinna small girl." I laughed and said, "Word?" He said, "…yeah…" And leaned on his ride. I laughed even harder and said, "Blue book my fully loaded shit versus your 7 year old pile…then we'll compare stacks kid…" His friend laughed his ASS off. Don't play if you can't do the math homie. Coz in my world cute is often more valuable than muscle.

Stuff Jockers.

I see them all the time. They jock my purse coz it ain't available here. They jock my jewelry wondering if it's real (it is Hunny). They jock my skin and even ask to touch it and ask me what I do (soap and water Princess). They jock my stroll my smile my wreckless little laugh. They jock the odd little combinations that come together to make me distinct. Even when I'm rockin' chef gear in all black with my old school hat to the back – they jock. I'm so glad to be doin' my job that well. Thanks.

---

This ain't demeanor kid. This is the way I live.

It looks easy huh. But it ain't. I work hard and I'm currently managing 3 gigs. I watch my stacks. I planted it, I'm watering it and I watch it to make it grow. So jock all you want and hate as much as you please – coz all that shit is just fertilizer to me.

13 Feb 2007: On Valentines Eve...

Love in all it's manifestations...will always be heard and felt and known...

...on Family Love...

My family has always loved me even if they have never understood me completely. It wasn't always easy to love someone who's love affair was with the eccentric, the odd, the artistic and sometimes the strange. What they did know completely is that they believed that I would do what I needed to do and if I fell from attempting anything they were always there to renew my strength and smiles. What they did always show me was faith and belief that I am somebody. What they always expressed that I would always BE somebody.

And now I am.

...on Friends Love...

My Batches and my Boys...never discouraged but always encouraged. Some of them for only decades and some of them for only months. But the Love has always been immeasurable. Their presence isn't compared to bein in my heart but moreso as being a part of my spine. When people love you and metamorphosize from friends into a family of your own they are bonded to you. I love you all exponentially...

...on Career Love...

Finally, I am doing something I love. It was a long journey to switch from an IT gig to a creative gig but I regret none of it. Because of the love I've shown my work it is now loving me back. It is evident with how busy I've become.

...on Food Love...

Shaking heads, stuffed mouths followed by smiles and wordless mumbling, the scent of anything calling children from downstairs, anticipation of meals to be partaken and all the motions and emotions surrounding it - it's the other love I carry around me. Where before I cooked out of ethnic training and habit - now I cook out of genuine enjoyment and love. This is going to leak into all parts of my life...I feed you all coz I love you and not because I "should."

...on Self Love...

In the days prior to living poetically, I would "lose" myself in helping another. Now I am myself all the time and am never asked to be anyone else but ME all the time. Even that shmarmy smartass chick, or the demanding hello kitty lovin' girl, or the badass female with a stroll that could kill. Now I am just me and who could ask for anything more. I love myself without conceit - only with a desire to improve myself and the positive uptempo...

...on Romantic Love...

How could I resist?

When I first met Julian I shook him (I tried to shake him) off because I was a dating monster. I would walk out on dates if anything big or small displeased me and the feelings of whomever took me was irrelevant. He never did take that behaviour off of me and would laugh and say,"Quit playin' girl, come sit near me..." Ironically, he only invites me close to enjoy my verve. Everything we do is an adventure to him, a date, a walk, a talk, reading books side by side, shopping, eating out or cooking meals together. The amount of time we have been "together" is far surpassed by the communion we have together. How could you resist anyone who stops everything to dance with you. How could you resist anyone who doesn't fear potential anger. How could you resist anyone who laughs in the face of danger. How could you resist anyone who coated the hook he caught you with --- well, wiith sugar. How could you resist anyone who actively thanks higher powers for what you have together and what you have apart. How could you resist anyone who rises and sleeps with a smile on his face. How could you resist anyone who finds you beautiful even when you are asleep. How could you resist anyone who eggs you on to amplify your abilities while bringing his own.

As Suga Free says,"Don't no woman want no man who will roll over for her."

The other night we realized at a party that we knew each other by 2 degrees of separation. That even if we hadn't met at the Talib Kweli gig, it was only a matter of time before we met. Whoa.

What we got makes your stomach drop and your mind explode.

...on tomorrow...

So enjoy tomorrow everyone. In any way and everyway...because you may think otherwise but there is some kind of love in your life - and THAT should be celebrated. When you are doing what you are supposed to do and doing it with everything you've got - ultimately the rest of your life will follow.

---

"If I ask you questions the questions are to answer doubts I needed to let go. It is not to question the perfection in which we live."

--- Saucerina