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Saturday, October 29, 2005

29 Oct 2005: Just Delete That Shit

i'm tired of this verbal hide and seek...

i hate it that he wrenched my heart a bit

just by sayin, " i miss you damnnit "

i hate it that he is such a brujo to my bruja...

so before i forget, or before he deletes it

this is a comment i posted on his page

it refers to a dream i had...


10/28/2005 9:54:00 PM

i suppose you want to know
i don't think so
thought perhaps i could tell
but my pen on that paper fell
stabbing, oozing ink
telling what
i had dreamt
one night

i suppose you'll let me know
but then you wouldn't
would you?

i suppose i'd rather
scald myself
than tell


to be honest i'm surprised he even approved the comment - as fascist as he is about what goes on and off his pages as he has become servient to the drama of the girls around him...we talked one night and there was something just so damn sincere and vulnerable in his voice - i became haunted. to the point that that night i dreamt...

The dream was fast and blurry but bright like a wong kar wai movie. I kept hearing bubbly noises behind me. I could feel a faint rumble under my feet...i could smell stenchy travellers and dead cigarros...

I was packing and unpacking repeatedly and hurriedly as if I were running late and I had no idea where my destination is...I felt a distinct excitement but an even more pervasive sense of wonder.

I was on a boat or ship of some sort and a girl of some sort was trying to borrow shoes while i was standing at an espresso bar. I know it was the fall. It smelled like fall. I had a tiny suitcase filled with nothing but shoes. She kept speaking to me in Italian at a ridiculous clip...Once I started to get annoyed with this signorina --- I realized exactly where I was - I was on the ferry from Dover to Calais...I looked down at the little mules on my feet and laughed coz I was en route to paris in shoes that wouldn't stay on. I slam my espresso and walk towards the starboard doors because I like to watch the water go from cold to warm on the english channel. As I walk down the hall I see Joseph David sauntering down that hallway with a half cocked grin. I pause but keep walking and the sun is filtering through the doors behind him. I just let out the moist boisterous laugh and run towards him and literally run out of my shoes. I jump up to him and he catches me and I wrap my legs around his waist. I say okay okay you fucker - I love you. He laughs and says you barefoot brat and kisses me all over my face...and bites my bottom lip. I squeeze harder with my legs and I hear 2 places in his spine crack (towards the tailbone)...I feign shock and Say I broke your Back!!! In the sweetest voice I've ever heard he says, " no mama you didn't... "

I could feel his hand on the small of my back and then i woke up.


I even stopped midcake to write it down on a scrap of paper. I just couldn't bear the thought of letting such a dream drift away...


The entire dream just stayed on instant replay all that day.

At first it was enticing to me

Then it just bothered me


what does it matter...nothing will come of it right. but why do i feel so sad right now...just plain old sad...

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