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Sunday, August 12, 2007

12 Aug 2007: You Ain't Right...So Not Right...

...That Monster ain't Right...

I've created a monster. A Cake Monster. It seems like everytime I'm at the table I'm making something "new." I'm not even challenged by these requests. Sometimes on top of my regular workload strange little requests feel tedious. Fortunately, I'm in a position where I can decline corny/commercial requests to maintain the artisan/artistic levels of the shop. The other night I had a request for a chocolate foot by one foot with a dark glaze and some chocolate freestyling. This is not a big cake at all - it would feed 20 at most. It's almost 150 rocks. But the customer knew what they wanted and they'd had it before. I've actually made things just to make them and it's not that they are half hearted but they just don't have that Saucy Splish Splash to it. Even my polite manner is becoming nonchalant. When I send out cakes that feel half hearted to me - I check with the receiving manager on the customer reaction. All I've heard so far each and every time is,"Oh!!! They loooooved it!"

So Not Right.

...That Hoe Pride ain't Right...

Lately it has come to my attention that a lot of people around me are being infiltrated by Hoe-dom. People in direct proximity to me and people in secondary proximity to me. Hoe's are becoming a problem. First of all you are a hoe. Keep your ass out the house and in the back on the dirt where you belong. It absolutely stuns me that these females (and a couple males) have the audacity to act as if they are entitled to criticize or even attempt to flip the script as if they are the injured party. If you want to be the injured party - come see me...I can give you what you want.

Hoe situation 1)

Busted humping a man her best friend since 5th grade dated. Not only did she date him but she vigorously pursued him when they lived 2 hours apart. Mind you...this little trollop (ok - big trollop) lives in a city chock full of men and had no reason to pursue this one dude specifically, yet she chose to. Spit on a 20 year friendship just for some wee wee.


So Not Right.

Hoe Situation 2)

Cheats on her live in boyfriend and gets busted. Just busted - period. Time frame is irrelevant - coz she just gets busted. Then proceeds to badmouth him OPENLY as if it were his behaviour that caused her to slip and fall on some dick (did I mention the dick is attached to HIS childhood friend?). Put your head down and have a little shame you floozycake. Coz you could flip like a Romanian Olympic Gymnast...and no amount of noise and pomp could hide the fact that you smell worse than chicken left in a trash can on a hot summer day. Oh and I like that she has a whole crew of hoes cheering on all that bad mouthing.

It's a simple code of bro's before ho's...Don't perceieve anyone's silence as weakness, it's actually flexibility and urge control. Keep lying to yourself, maybe it helps a guzzler like you feel better --- but don't feel that false sense of safety because people are comin' after you hooker. Even if it's with a 6 foot pole.

So Not Right.

Hoe Situation 3)

The Homie is a good guy - does his thing - great dad, attentive husband, socially and intellectually conscious yet fun and individualistic. Wife perceives this as weakness and inability to take risks. She leaves my homie for another dude while stringin' my homie along. I will quote myself from a recent note to him,"People are so impatient. You know... she wanted the rewards but without the grind. She wanted the money and lifestyle without calculating the risk. She wanted the hustlers take - but didn't understand if you wanna be a hustler you gotta know how to PUSH...and know how to keep it pushin'."

Let's jump to the end of the story...Mr. New Dude left old girl - with a barrel full of debt and a dream that's blown out like blunt smoke to the sky. All that's left is the scent of what you thought would be fun.

You think you in Hell girl? You ain't. The collectors are coming.

So Not Right.


I could go on with further examples - but I won't. I think those examples serve well enough. Ironically, all of these Hoe situations have commonalities: they all have children - HELLA YURK VOMIT IN MY THROAT - they kiss their KIDS with those mouths! Pause - let me be violently ill, they all have really lame jobs as opposed to careers, they all feel that they are entitled to forgiveness because in their own miniscule minds swerving onto some dick/chick was somehow justified, they all feel "pretty" in some way or form (I suppose in darkness even hookers can glitter) and finally they all "title" themselves as princess or diva or ___liscious. It's so pathetic to watch women drown in filth, but even worse it is infuriating to see them walk around with this faux pride yet without any smidgen of pride...simply baffling.

Side Hoe Note: I forgot to mention my favourite - the girls who vigorously go after men who have a girlfriend. These hoes kind of have a purpose --- they remove losers from the lives of women who are destined for something higher...or simply strengthen a man who truly loves his lady. Thanks Hoe.

Consider this a forewarning. Next time your names and photos go up. I've done it before and I'll do it again.

...That Captain Save a Hoe Dream ain't Right...

I'll put it like this: I've done that "nobility" thing and dated below myself. I won't do it again and I sure as hell am not doing it now. I was wrong in choosing people who couldn't achieve what I've achieved so it created a total imbalance. I've been able to get everything I want through my own grind so last fall I got to a point where I could cut men that I went on a date on because they weren't on my level. I will not list my assets...but I will say this: I can say I wanna date a man with a house - because I own my shit outright. I can say I wanna date a man with a nice car - because my car is barely a year old and almost paid off. I can say I want an educated man - because I collected my pieces of paper. I can say I want a man that has a deep soulful spirituality, that has a thriving relationship with his family, that has friends with roots, that has genuine happiness in his spirit, that speaks languages, that grinds, that has a thirst for knowledge, that has charm and good looks - because i HAVE these things.

I bring to the table what I expect to be brought.

I do not expect some fool to come riding in on some horse and carry me off to the sunset. I have my own horse - I want someone to storm into the open sky with! I wanted to share my adventure, not be given one.

So..Hoe...if you want certain things from the opposite sex --- you damn well better have your OWN shit. It's really hilarious that you think that little face is going to hold and be ENOUGH to get what you want. All the world sees is your expression altering between INSANITY and SADNESS. Wrap it up, Fake it up even try to Change it up...but it's old now - people are hip to your bullshit. Haven't you noticed that people only call you beautiful when they first meet you? It's because you are like that bright pretty peach at the farmers market that you cut open and the core is moldy and rotted!

So Not Right.

...That Artistic Ego ain't Right...

Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. If my girl graciously offers to have your brunch catered free of charge and at the graciousness of the chef do NOT bark that it can only be eaten if it is DELIVERED. Bwaa hahahhahha. I'm just not that kind of Chef kid. That is the funniest shit I've heard all year (okay 2nd funniest). My rule of thumb is I only cook for people I like and I like my GIRL - I don't know you from a bucket of outhouse shit. It doesn't impress me who likes you or knows you or does you. What matters to me is HER - not you. I won't be swayed after you put a bad taste in my mouth.

So Not Right.

...That ain't right...

But despite all that "ain't right" so much is STILL right and good. In less than a week I'll feel the sand in my toes and the nectar of sweet tropical fruit falling onto my wrists and hands. I will see people who love me and will welcome me with smiles and kisses. I will share an old world with someone that sees our journey as a daily adventure. A lifelong journey...a lifetime of excitement!

That chick Karma is still servin' it up hot and fresh. Julian's Mom has a phrase that sums it up best," you meet 'em is how you leave 'em...." Bwaa hahahhahha. Priceless.

And even though some of us try not to gloat --- we're still human aren't we? I'm not sayin' I'm perfect, I'm not that at ALL...what I'm sayin' is that I don't need a bowl of Act Right.

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